Adoption is a hot topic these days. After his death and the release of his biography, Steve Jobs has become the most famous adoptee in the world. Because of her ability to captivate us with her life and death struggles, Joan Didion’s new book, Blue Nights, about her daughter, Quintana Roo, adopted at birth, is making headlines. The FOX hit Glee has introduced a controversial (and, one has to say, convoluted) storyline featuring a main cast member and guest star Idina Menzel. An adoption storyline also turned up on a recent episode of Harry’s Law. And the Off Broadway play, A Charity Case, was widely reviewed, more for its subject matter than for the quality of the play’s writing and acting. And since today, November 19, is National Adoption Day, what better time to talk about adoption?
My two children, now in their 20s, came to my family through adoption and I wrote a book about the experience, Adoption Parenthood Without Pregnancy. As a young mother, I thought a lot about adoption. I served as president of an adoptive parents’ group and, ever the reporter, spent time going to meetings, doing research, gathering as much information as possible. Along the way, there were funny stories. Like the time we went to buy a crib, our son arriving in a matter of days. The sales person ignored us, seeing an immediate sale from the obviously pregnant women also in the store. When we persisted and explained our situation, he rushed to close the deal.
Then, of course, there were the hurtful comments: “How much did you pay?” “Who are the real parents?” An event, like the death of Steve Jobs, sparks news stories and suddenly the subject is everywhere. These are the best times, I have found, to educate others about the adoption experience.
That’s what our adoptive parent group attempted to do back in the 1980s when there were many misunderstandings about adoption. Focusing on how adoption was portrayed in the media, we wrote letters when we saw adoption depicted in a negative way. Producers actually removed references to adoption in the followup to the film Problem Child after a letter campaign by our group and others. We pressured a card company to recall an offensive greeting card from the market. And each year we gave an award to a person or a company that had presented adoption in a positive light, helping to educate the public. Recipients included Jamie Lee Curtis for her children’s book, Tell Me Again About the Night I was Born, Beth Sullivan for creating the TV show, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, that had a positive adoption storyline, and for Sesame Street’s episodes and the book Susan and Gordon Adopt a Baby.
We also worked to change the language surrounding adoption, a struggle that continues. We put out a pamphlet identifying positive and negative adoption terms. Rather than “surrended” or “gave up her child,” we proposed “made an adoption plan.” (Most birth mothers, particularly today with domestic adoptions, carefully weigh their options before choosing adoption). Instead of “natural parent” or “real parent” we recommended “birth parent.” (If a birth parent is “natural” or “real” that meant an adoptive parent was “unnatural” or “unreal”).
Adoption has come a long way since the 1980s. When I was doing interviews for my book, one adoptive mother said that the adoption agency told her and her husband never to tell the child she was adopted, bad advice for sure. Learning the truth as an adult can be a shock and send one’s life reeling off course. These days, with so many foreign adoptions, adoptive parents must deal with questions, first from family and friends, and later from the child. So the subject is never one that goes away but rather evolves. We began to tell our children about their adoptions from the start and continue those discussions to this day.
A few weeks ago, a friend whose respect and opinions matter to me greatly, gave me a book, Scott Simon’s Baby, We Were Meant for Each Other—In Praise of Adoption, a beautiful story about foreign adoption. My friend was touched by my children’s adoption stories and knew I would enjoy reading about another family’s adoption experience. (If you are an adoptive parent or are thinking of adopting, you will want to read Simon’s book). I thanked her for the book but, more than that, for appreciating what my two wonderful children have meant to me and to my husband. We feel blessed. And it all happened because of adoption.
Charlene Giannetti is the co-author with Margaret Sagarese of eight books for parents of young adolescents including The Roller-Coast Years: Raising Your Child Through the Maddening and Magical Middle School Years.
