Three dates. It takes three dates to find out if there’s potential for something more. And that’s what we’re looking for, isn’t it? Most of us are not just looking to have meaningless one night stands, only to be forced to hail a cab in the early hours of the morning with our feet swollen into our six-inch heels from the night before.
In fact, we create lists, both mentally and with pen and paper, to outline the characteristics we’re looking for in a man, a soul mate, just in case we ever forget what they are. That’s right, we all do it. We place pressure on ourselves, keep our eyes on the prize, single-mindedly focusing on the future, and finding a mate before our biological clocks strike twelve. This pressure translates itself, in typical New York fashion, into a merry-go-round of non-stop, frenetic speed-dating. Our certainty that our soul mate is just around the corner has us in a constant hurry to look around a lot of corners.
But the “unfortunate” reality is that it takes time to peel back the layers and really get to know someone. It takes time to find true physical chemistry, that spark, the fireworks that you only see on the Fourth of July. That’s why we need the three-date rule.
When it comes to dating, the only guarantee is that each date will be different. Will you know if you two have a future on the first date? The rare and elusive perfect first date, when everything seems to fall immediately into place and it seems that everyone is about to break out into a choreographed dance to a Miley Cyrus song, is just that. Rare and elusive. If you’ve experienced it, Mazel Tov. All hopeful singles long for it, but it rarely exists. This means patience is a necessary virtue.
Now there are limits—do not force or convince yourself that over time you might grow to find him attractive. If he’s a mutant with a third eye on his forehead and grotesque yellow teeth, you have my permission to move on. But even then, there’s always teeth whitening…
Girlfriends always say the same thing after a first date. “He’s nice, easy to talk to, but isn’t the one.” How do you know that after only one date? They quickly respond with what seems to be a pre-rehearsed monologue: “He’s not Jewish, he’s very catholic, he’s too old, he’s too young, he’s from the wrong island, he’s the size of an island” and the list goes on. Don’t be so quick to judge and focus on the negatives. It’s as if guys automatically enter our lives as bottom feeders and have to swim their way to the top.
Don’t decide if he’s “the one” after one date. Don’t decide if he’s not “the one” after one date, either. Give him a chance and don’t deny yourself potential joy and love just because you’re in a rush. Many women are so eager to get to the finish line and to find the one, they quickly move on if they don’t feel that immediate electrical charge. If you want that kind of spark, bring your iPod into the bathtub.
Stop long enough to give him a chance. Give him three dates. It’s an exact science, trust me, I did the mathematical algebraic equation on my napkin the other night at happy hour (if it is good enough for the Laffer curve, it’s good enough for this). Dating is not an Alanis Morissette song. Relationships take time to develop and love is usually not instantaneous.
After a date, review your list. If there are a lot of checks on the page, do yourself a favor. Give him another chance. Give him the time. And after three dates, what if your date doesn’t come close to meeting your criteria on that checklist? Uncross your arms, smile, and make him think you’re having the time of your life. He might not be prince charming, but he might know someone who is.