Social Networking Is a B**ch!


Okay, so we have a new social networking person who is helping us build traffic. As part of his help, each day he e-mails us “trends,” represented by the most popular stories Googled on the net. If we write stories about these stories, we are led to believe, our site will be picked up by Google and hundreds, thousands, even (dare we hope?) millions of people will rush to our site to see what we have to say.

Well, the list was rather long and, to be perfectly frank, we had a hard time picking which story we should focus on. So, we decided to cover ALL OF THEM!!! To help you sort out the stories, we have printed them in bold type. Here goes:

Lebron James is now the most sought after man in the country, having declared free agency with the intention of selling his incredible basketball talents to the highest bidder. We are joining the campaign to convince Lebron to move to New York. Cleveland vs. New York? Really? Is this a fair competition? (OK, to be honest, we are baseball fans and don’t care where Lebron winds up, but it was the first story on the list, so we have to mention it). Obviously Lebron agrees the whole line about “if he makes it here, etc…” because we hear he is already apartment hunting in New York. It must be because he has discovered that New Yorkers are the healthiest people in the U.S. Of course, we knew it all the time.

We look healthy because we spend all that time in tanning salons, turning our pasty white skin a nice shade of orange. But, OMG! The city has now decided to levy a tax on these tanning salons, meaning that we will now have to pay more to look like a piece of ripe fruit. C’est dommage! (Or, fromage–it goes better with fruit).

Carrying around a few extra pounds may not be so bad, says Christina Hendricks, who recently confessed to putting on 15 pounds sipping cappuccinos in Italy. According to the story, she took off her clothes, looked into a mirror, decided she was beautiful, and never tried “to lose it.” We can soooo relate!

Speaking of gaining weight, we have always wanted an excuse for eating hundreds of hot dogs in one sitting. And we love hot dogs, so the Coney Island Nathan’s Famous contest is a natural. We are also happy that Pepto Bismol has signed on as a sponsor. Such a natural! Hot dogs and a product for gastric distress! Some marketing genius is getting a bonus for thinking this one up.

Speaking of gas, Eliot Spitzer is thinking of running for mayor in 2013. Now that he has his own show on CNN (and we thought no one could replace Larry King), Spitzer thinks that he will be able to win back our support. That Pepto Bismol may come in handy. We hope they have signed on to sponsor his show.

There’s no accounting for taste when it comes to TV. Who knew that a reality show featuring a bunch of kids hanging out on the Jersey Shore would soar in the ratings? Are we laughing at them or with them? Do they care? They are laughing all the way to the bank.

We also can’t figure out the fascination with vampires. People—kids and adults—are camping out to see the stars of the Twilight saga. What happened to all those people who faint at the sight of blood? They must number in the millions. How can they possibly watch this show and not pass out? Maybe they do pass out and that’s part of the experience. Hey! New product idea for the movie theaters—smelling salts!

Speaking of the concessions at movie theaters, most of what they sell is unhealthy. Yet we see parents loading up on the buttered popcorn, nachos, gummi bears, and Cokes before going into the theater. We bet these are the same kind of parents who feed their kids Fruit Roll-Ups, those sticky sheets of processed fruits General Mills has declared a “good source of Vitamin C.” A mom in Brooklyn has filed suit against General Mills charging them with making false health claims about Fruit Roll-Ups. Really? Do parents feed their kids Fruit Roll-Ups believing they are a health food?

We’ve saved the best for last. Who ever thought that Bill and Hillary Clinton’s marriage would last longer than Al and Tipper Gore’s? Whether the former vice president really assaulted a massage therapist or is innocent, his image has taken a hit he will never recover from. It seems that while Al Gore was worried about the worldwide environment, he failed to focus on the one closer to home. So now he is one of the most Googled people on the net, and not for a good reason.

But we have a good reason for mentioning Al Gore, Christina Hendricks, Twilight, Nathan’s Famous, Christina Hendricks, Jersey Shore, Eliot Spitzer, tanning salons, and Lebron James. Google that!

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