New Housewife, Old Money, Same Old, Same Old


Our first recap of this season’s The Real Housewives of New York began with a discussion of “Nut and Sluts,” that college freshman staple that also goes by the name Abnormal Psych. We identified much nutty and slutty behavior in that opening show, and now, five or six weeks into the season, it’s time for the midterm exam.

We are introduced to the new housewife this week. She is Sonja Morgan, ex-wife of some rich J.P Morgan heir. She seems to have money to burn and a burning hot libido, or so she says. “I love men. I love the company of men and I think I go very well with men,” she reveals. Judging from the number of gay-looking middle-aged men in blazers and beige slacks at her party who swoon and pinky-wave to her whenever she waltzes by, this seems to be true.

LuAnn shows up at Sonja’s Upper East Side mansion to collect clothes for that Couture and Cocktails event she is hosting. That’s the event where the ignorant and clueless donate their size 0 couture to women who need clothing for their first job in a hospital cafeteria or an H&R Block office. “Well, let’s see,” says Sonja. “Should I get clothing from my Miami closet, my Colorado closet, my New York closet or my Palm Beach closet? I’ll just have the maid pick something and send it down in the elevator.” She decides to donate a $3000 Chanel jacket that’s never been worn, and something from Calvin Klein, who, Sonja confides, is not a TOP designer. What a heart of gold. Can’t you just hear the poor donee’s coworkers when she shows up to work in that Chanel jacket? “Girl, you got ripped off. Just look at all those strings hanging off all over the place. Give that cheesy thing back and get a good jacket. Something from Calvin Klein.”

In addition to having a charitable nature and a super hot sexy fantasy life, Sonia is a big sharer. After just a few minutes we know so much about her. She drops the names of the designers on her back, the movie director who lives next door to her, the places she has closets, and even how many people she can invite to a party on her first floor (200). We watch her get Botox injections into her neck. Aargh! Her neck for god’s sake! How can she swallow? Silly question, she obviously doesn’t need to. Ok class, Nut or Slut? Answer in two words or less.

Time to move on. I was starting to feel sorry for Sonja. Jill, the perpetual Victim, and Bobby are having a slice in the pizza place on the first floor of their classy apartment building next to the homeless bonfire on First Avenue. You know that bonfire. It’s right under the Queensboro Bridge with a bunch of guys in fingerless gloves huddled around it. Anyway, Bobby tells Jill to lighten up and cherish her friend, Bethenny. Bobby refuses to take sides in the fight because he knows Jill is so wrong. Jill can’t let go of the white-hot anger she feels. Jill worked so hard to help Bethenny succeed and now she’s absolutely livid that Bethenny has become a success and forgotten poor Jill. Who gets pissed off when they succeed at something? OK class, Nut or Slut?

Bethenny, in the meantime, is so successful, she got herself a gig with Pepperidge Farm giving out sandwiches to tourists at the seaport. Alex stops by for a free sandwich. That Brooklyn Fashion Weekend is not a paying gig, after all. She brings home 3 sandwiches for dinner and offers a sympathetic ear when Bethenny tells her that she went to LA to see her father only to have him reject her. Alex is turning out to be too good a person to be on this show. Her husband is another story entirely.

Kelly takes Simon shopping because, “Simon has the worst taste and is not worried about having good taste as long as he’s recognized.” Kelly is out to change that. Simon holds his bony arms aloft and says to the pretty shop boy, “I am a clothes horse, hang things on me.” After prancing around in his bikini underwear and thrusting his hips back and forth, mimicking things he did on the farm, he finally settles for a shirt and cravat combo and a ridiculous little hat. OK class, Nut or Slut?

Meanwhile, Jill is in The Central Park, awaiting the Countess and her chariot. Suddenly, a pedicab lurches to a stop in front of Jill. The Countess awaits the sweaty young man who dragged her carcass all around the park for the sake of a grand entrance, to help her alight from the bike. He yanks her out by the arm and tells her it will be $40 bucks. “Just be happy you’re on TV, Serf,” she snaps. She came to tell Jill that she has a crush on some guy whose name starts with a J and he is Jewish. “The Count would be appalled,” she confides. At what? we wonder. We never liked that buzzardy, old Count, but we couldn’t quite figure out why. Now we know. The two saunter around The Central Park. “What is this place?” asks Jill, who clearly has never stepped foot in the park before. “I feel like I am in Sherwood Forrest and Little Red Riding Hood will pop out at any minute.” Nut, Slut or just plain stupid?

Ramona is drinking again. This time in a black slinky negligee, waiting for Mario to come home from work. She pours him a glass of rocket fuel and a sweating Mario looks ready to launch at any minute. FIVE…Mario, I want to renew our vows….FOUR… You look really, really hot …THREE… No, just renew, like a renewal, like my hair…TWO… you look really, really hot…ONE… I’m into renewal and … WE HAVE BLAST OFF. OK, class. Nut, Slut or just plain gross? No word limit.

Brooklyn Fashion Weekend has arrived. Finally. Jill comes in a limo. She really dressed up for the Brooklyn crowd, needing to show everyone that she is so much better than those in the outer boroughs. But, predictably, she is not happy at the treatment accorded someone of her elevated stature. “When I arwived at Brooklyn Fashion Week I was hawified. It was so low wrent. The steppa wree peet was next to a heap of trash. I’m speechless.” Unfortunately, in this case, “speechless” was just a figure of speech. She brings her sycophant into the mix. “The Countess wouldn’t be cawt dead at anything Alex and Simon would do. She would have drwiven up and had her drwivah drwive away.”

Kelly is modeling at the show and is still mad at Jill. Poor Victim Jill (PVJ) accuses Kelly of betraying her with her kiss-ass twitters to Bethenny. “’Ooh, I’m so glad to see you.’ You’re such a hypocrite,”  Jill snipes.  Kelly  acts like it was all part of a grand plan and gives PVJ a marketing lesson. “Didn’t I tell you? “PR 101 is ‘any press is good press.’  That’s like attacking someone. PR102 is ‘deflation’ like ‘you’re wearing a pretty dress.’  You deflate an attack with a compliment.”  Kelly, you are an idiot, and I can’t think of a single compliment to deflate your comeback with. OK, class. Free answer: Nut.

At the fashion show, Jill takes her seat. “These chairs are uncomfortable,” whines PVJ. “I felt so out of place and over-dressed. I should have been wearing a wife-beater.” Or stayed home with the Countess. But if she had stayed home, we would have missed her color commentary. “When Alex walked out, I really expected a lot because she has the body of a fashion model. Maybe Not The Face.” Yikes! “I don’t know what happened she looked like she was channeling a witch, she looked so mean.” Better to look mean than BE mean.

Ramona made the evening. She twitched her way down the catwalk with her cheeks sucked in and her eyes bulging. We can actually forgive Jill for saying that Ramona “looked like an idiot.” At the end of the show, PVJ, feeling sorry for herself for not being asked to work on the event, left the show without congratulating her friends. Ramona was the only one who noticed that she had gone. PVJ.

So one of Jill’s big coups is landing a spokesperson job for Kodak. She hosted a party to celebrate the launch of the new Kodak website. LuAnn is the first to arrive and the friends challenge each other to name as many designers as they can in thirty seconds. LuAnn then tells her that she invited Sonja, her new rich, fabulous friend who is single and hot. Jill turns green and asks if Sonja has a house in the Hamptons. We know she is worried that LuAnn will be stolen away by this woman and we can’t wait to see how Jill tries to sabotage that relationship. Aw, PVJ.

Then Ramona shows up having downed some of that left over rocket fuel. “Kodak is a failing company. They are antiquated. You signed on with a loser. As a business woman, I have to ask questions.” (Maybe these aren’t direct quotes, but they are pretty close). PVJ sees red. “You come here to support me and you insult me and the company. You should go. You almost ruined my entire endorsement deal and, like, ruined everything for me.” Jill unleashes Kelly and LuAnn on Ramona and the fight spills over into Jill’s presentation entitled, “Why I Love Kodak for Paying Me a Million Dollars.” But even a million dollars can’t make Jill happy when someone’s done her wrong. “I nevah, evah expected Ramona to betrway me like that. I mean she delibwrately twried to sabotage my endawsement deal.” PVJ. OK class, last question, Nut, Slut or who cares?

5 Responses to New Housewife, Old Money, Same Old, Same Old

  1. Tamara Moscowitz says:

    This is very funny. I am not a regular watcher of the show and find their “friendships” rather unbelievable. You really nailed these women down.

  2. Carol Toscano says:

    Slut. Nut. Nut. Just plain stupid. Drunken crazy nutless idiot. Free answer: Nut. Who cares?

    Another ACCURATE recap.

  3. annelucasmorgan says:

    absolutely hilarious !!!! so dead on.

  4. Aimee Garn says:

    Your blow description is much more entertaining, and way funnier, than the television version of the Real Housewives. Clearly an ironic parody of this show is in order– maybe you should pitch one to Christopher Guest? Real Housewives of NYC is Best in Show about our own species.

  5. Aimee Garn says:

    typo– meant to say blow by blow, but you get the picture.

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