By Debra Toppeta
The season is coming to an end for the housewives. So many unanswered questions remain. Will Bethenny get a man? Will Simon become a man? Will Alex lose her job? (well, we know the answer to that one), Will Ramona invent an eye shrinking cream? Will the Countess become the Countless? Will Jill ever stop nagging Booby (we know the answer to that one, too), Will Kelly be back next season? We’ll just have to wait to find out. In the meantime…
Alex and Simon are getting ready for their house party. Alex tells us that she and Simon have a dramatic, eclectic flair and love color, especially RED. They have designed and furnished the house themselves but they forgot the drapes. So across the bridge they head to (where else) Zarin’s Home Furnishings, so Jill can fix them up with some quick, cut-rate drapes. Apparently, the French au pair is home downing a bottle of absinthe after another terrifying week with the Van Kempens, so Alex and Simon must bring along their two darlings, Johan and Francois, who are, as usual, totally out of control. Simon can’t get over how adorable his Children of the Corn are. “Jill, can you find Francois?” “He’s on your head,” Jill snaps, not wanting any part of the game. “No, that’s Johan,” Simon laughs. “Who gives a sh*t,” Jill thinks, until she sees Francois pop out from behind a bolt of her very best puce green polyester. Jill stares in disbelief and we know she would kick them out of the store if she weren’t so desperate to make a sale.
Unaware of the drama unfolding on the lower east side, Bethenny is uptown proposing to her gay hairdresser. “If I’m single in 3 years, we’ll get married, have kids, date other men and I’ll support you for the rest of your life.” Well, Francky the hairdresser has seen that movie a couple of times and knows it won’t work. He sets Bethenny up with his straight BFF, a model turned photographer who is a boobie-man and Bethenny has the “best boobies.” “I love your boobies” her sweet gay hairdresser gushes. The BFF turns out to be straight, but French. Bethenny goes into her nervous standup routine and BFF just looks confused. “Ball booster? Vat ees theese ball booster you say about? I just want to luke at you boobies.” You know it’s all downhill from there.
Back in Brooklyn, the Van Kempens are still getting ready for their house party. Simon is sweeping while Alex is standing over him with a whip. He loves that. Simon seems obsessed with inviting Ramona to their party. Poor, pathetic Simon, so insecure and desperate to be accepted. He tells Alex that he and Ramona hugged for 45 seconds after the tennis match and “she likes me, she really likes me.” Alex shrugs and Ramona is invited. I’ve just started to notice the dynamic between these two. Last week when Simon threw his temper tantrum, Alex just watched him and said nothing. This week, she didn’t want Ramona to come to her party but Simon insisted. Again, she said nothing. Is she afraid of him, and if so, why? Just curious.
Speaking of Ramona. She didn’t show up much in this episode because of an embarrassing perspiration problem. She underwent an underarm ultrasound, but the sex of the sweat glands was not determined. Feeling sorry for her sweaty patient, the doctor threw in a laser treatment that left Ramona red in the face, and not because of the unsightly wet spots under her arms.
LuAnn takes her niece and a friend out for a little under-age drinking. Kelly comes along for the sex and the city, downtown, girls’ night out. “I cherish these nights.” LuAnn coos, almost in tears. She desperately wants to be single. Just hold on, LuLu, it won’t be long now. The niece asks Kelly what her perfect date is. The short answer: “Like, stuff.” Even LuAnn thinks she’s whacky.
“HIIIEEE. HIIIEEE. HELLOO.” It’s that high-pitched rasp of Kelly greeting Max who stopped by for the girls’ night (good thing Ramona wasn’t there). “I will take you to tango lessons for a date” says Max who is as vacant as Kelly. Max leaves as quickly as he comes. “BYYYEEE” Kelly keens. LuAnn comments that Kelly always seems a bit uptight. “What does it take to let your hair down?” she asks her. Not much of a conceptual thinker, Kelly pulls out her hair elastic and literally lets her hair down. Did this woman really go to Columbia?
Next is a throwaway scene of Jill, Bobby, Brad and Bethenny in a white stretch limo. Bethenny looks at Jill’s boobies and calls her a “member of the Harlem Globe Trotters with two Wilson basketballs on her chest.” Big yuks all around because booby jokes are so funny when you have the mentality of a 12 year old. I hear Jill had breast reduction surgery this month, so we’ll see what team she’s on next year.
Finally, the day of the house party has arrived and all are anxious to see what the Van Kempens have done with their hovel. Why, they have turned it into a replica of a voodoo bordello in the French quarter! It is one hot mess. The walls are RED, the Zarin monstrosities on the windows are fuchsia and black and Brad has thrown in some silver pillows to tie the beige couch into the rest of the room. Jill praises her window treatments because that’s all she came to see. Of course, the Alice Cooper poster is tacked to the wall and it looks great next to the teeny tiny kitten paintings that Simon picked up at the starving artist sale at the Holiday Inn last week. Jill checks out the kitchen to see how it compares with hers. “Nice appliances. I like GE” she says as a not so subtle put-down. Everyone leaves right away because they are fighting back nausea. Alex and Simon don’t mind. They are eager to get out the whips and Simon’s leather corset.
Finally, another fight between Kelly and Bethenny is staged at Jill’s. Please, just give up you two. It’s boring already and you’ll never get along. Kelly doesn’t care about anything (except herself) and Bethenny cares too much. In fact, Kelly doesn’t even remember anything about the last fight. She accuses Bethenny of complaining that Kelly was high that night. Well, I’ve heard that rumor too. Judging from this latest argument, that rumor will probably persist. “If you have something to talk to me about, just come to me. THIS CONVERSATION IS OVER!!” Followed by, “…this conversation doesn’t mean anything to me. You know what? You’re here, we were working together and you look adorable in that Zac dress.” Kelly seldom makes sense, but after next week’s final episode, will it really matter? Did it ever?