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Real Housewives of New York: A Big Hairy Mess

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The Real Housewives of New York live in a place of make believe called AllAboutMe Land. They fight, take sides, hold peace talks, make up, fight, take sides, hold peace talks, make up. Nothing ever gets resolved in AllAboutMe Land because, well….

After spending last week fighting over who the Marriage Equality March was really about, and having the fight spill over to Sonja’s exclusive “Art That Has No Business Being Called Art” Festival, Alex and Sonja decided it was time for peace talks. Sonja is just recently recovered from her ceremonious unveiling as the decaying Miss Haversham at the hands of her younger artist boyfriend. She always wondered why he made her call him Pip.

Anyway, Sonja comes to the peace table dressed like a Russian billionaire’s hooker (aka her dream job), which is a whole lot better than being the old, drooping hag of a starving artist. Big furry Russian hat atop her head, she fluctuates between ignoring Alex’s rehash of the gay marriage event and intimating that Alex and Simon just don’t belong in her rarefied world. Explaining why she kicked Alex out of her Art Mart, Sonja explains, “I was worried because I have a small home and invited a very chichi group who can afford these paintings. They are very discreet. I was afraid HE (that would be Simon) was coming, too.” Didn’t Jill just snipe about Alex going to a wedding that was sooo far beneath her, too? Looks like its open season on Alex in AllAboutMe Land.

While Sonja heads home to burn her portrait, Kelly is waiting in a bar for Cindy, who rushes in all upset. “I’m shaking! I’m like really, really upset.” Even Kelly looks worried that Cindy was mugged or worse. “I had to fire one of my baby sitters. She was giving me the hair flip; who is she to give me attitude? Now I have only one babysitter. Oh my god, I’m a wreck.” Get a grip, wax lady, if you can spend your day giving Brazilians to anyone who wanders in off the street, you can cope with having one whole babysitter to care for two kids. You really do deserve the hair flip.   Even Kelly knows that everyone goes through babysitters in AllAboutMe Land as quickly as they go through those $7000 “must have” baby strollers (and no, that’s not a typo).

Kelly is so flabbergasted by Cindy’s devastation, she can barely compose her 1:00 am drunk text to Ramona. Come to think of it, what is Cindy doing out at 1:00 am with only one babysitter at home? Cindy helps Kelly write the email. “Dear Ramona, I am unfortunately sorry to be unable to attend your dinner for being a celebrity entreprenoose at some cheap hotel with bedbugs. You deserve it. Love Kelly, with help from Cindy.”

Next, Kelly meets LuAnn for a pedicure. Kelly confides that she’s lonely; she wants a “Jacques.” “Isn’t there a dating princess to come set me up with someone?” She’s in luck. Jacques is a wine distributor/dating princess who is throwing a wine tasting/speed dating event, a combination sure to result in a few bad hook ups. LuAnn invites Kelly with the promise that maybe she will meet a “European.” That’s code for someone with an accent who’ll charm you into a bad hook up.

Before going speed dating, the girls decide to clean up just in case they get lucky. Kelly, LuAnn and Sonja (who is always on the prowl for any hook up) go to a private session at Cindy’s Completely Bare strip club. She waxes you and strips all the hair off. Everywhere. The girls have their usual 10 am cocktails and LuAnn follows a technician into a curtained room. Suddenly, we hear an ear splitting scream and LuAnn comes out limping but with a big smile on her face. “I did the Telly Savalas, dahling,” she coos. Sonja, meantime, tells us she likes the “runway,” demonstrating the shape of the runway with her hands. I’m sure that runway needs its own air traffic controller.

The Wine Connection goes well. Kelly marries a 23 year old with a lopsided head who can’t believe he got so lucky. He’s an acting student at Julliard who is still hoping his role-play with Kelly is legally binding. Sonja forgot that she was looking for Europeans and became one instead. She also found a 20-something at the speed date, this one oogling her boobs. “You like my décolletage? I’m like Marie Antoinette – very French.” “Really, I was thinking more like Miss Haversham,” 20-something replies.

So where is Ramona this episode? Practicing for a different runway. She found another designer brave enough to let her wear his clothes on the runway – poor David Meister. Last year she sashayed down the runway with her cheeks sucked down to her tonsils causing her eyes to pop even more than usual. This year she knows she has to work on the eyes. And the walk. But her love of stretch satin is so over powering, she has to give it one more try. The best part of the fashion show were the other models who insisted their faces be blurred so they were not identified as being part of this stupid Bravo sponsored vanity show for Ramona.

Alex has her eye on the runway, too. After all, when she looks in the mirror she likes what she sees. So Bravo has set her up with a photo shoot. She really needs a paying gig other than the Housewives thing, especially now that Simon has turned into an insufferable pop music star (sadly, it’s true). She has to get out of the house. The photographer clearly distains her, “Less drama in the eyes, less crazy arms, less dead eyes, you suck as a model.” Never mind, those last were my words.

Living in AllAboutMe Land gives its inhabitants a distorted and way too favorable estimate of their own worth as human beings.  Instead of the barnacles they really are, the King of AllAboutMe Land, Andy Frankencohen, builds these worthless inhabitants up, leading them to think they can do anything.  Here is the (latest) perfect example.  Remember Pierce Brosnan’s God-awful, ear bleeding singing voice in Mamma Mia?  Well, here is someone who is possibly much worse.  You guessed it, AllAboutMe Land’s very own Simon van Kempen!  He has cut a dance tune about how it sucks, SUCKS, to be married to a celebrity (and be one, himself).  Really, if it’s so bad, crawl back to Brooklyn and let us never hear from you or about you again.  Please.  Here’s the video, but be forewarned, it is harmful to your health and may cause death in house pets.

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Anyway, back to Alex who is sooo over booked, she dashes out with photo shoot brillo hair and crypt keeper makeup straight to Ramona’s award ceremony for “Celebrity Entrepreneur of the Year.” Celebrity Entrepreneur of the Year? I guess Bethenny, who just sold her Skinny Girl Margarita to the Jack Daniels Company for $120 million was busy. Ramona gives the speech we’ve all heard ad infinitum: “My Father was abusive, he didn’t believe in me, I showed him…” We still like Ramona. She might be crazy, but let’s give Ramona her due. She has a husband who loves her and a 16 year old daughter who doesn’t hate her. How many of the other housewives can say that?

One Response to Real Housewives of New York: A Big Hairy Mess

  1. Aimee Garn says:

    As always, this commentary is hilarious and so much better than the Real Housewives as televised, which I stopped watching after season one. So here is an idea for Andy Frankencohen– I think he should offer a program option with this text as voiceover– I would even watch the show again if it some commentary assured me that those of us who find these women both pathetic and terrifying had an acknowledged place in the audience.

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