We open up on a rainy day in New York City. A still renewing Ramona collects her friends for a girl’s weekend getaway. Ramona looks fantastic, by the way, and very happy. She confesses to Sonja (the new gal) she’s relieved Jill and sidekick Countless will not be in attendance at the getaway. “Buzzkills,” she tells us. Sonja, it appears, is a party girl. She’s having fun and staying cool with everyone (so far). We’ll stay tuned to see where that goes.

In New York, Countless decides to record some tracks at a recording studio (as a young girl, she sang into her hairbrush so therefore…). Anyway, she hooks up with producer Chris Young (aka Izzy Gold of Izzy Gold Records) and bangs out a tune, Money Can’t Buy You Class (she’s referring to herself, right?). Unfortunately, Countless is tuneless. But Chris Young’s stroking of Countless’s ego is reassuring. “You are class and panache,” he says, rhyming class with panache. “That’s what I’m talking about.” Chris tells Countless it’s not about ability (clearly). He tells her Itzhak Perlman has “unbelievable ability, Mariah Carey, unbelievable ability” but Countless has star quality. That’s what he’s talking about! Countless gets it. “Those are great, great singers,” she chimes. Insert giant GASP! Okay, Countless, listen up and listen good: Itzhak Perlman is not a singer. Itzhak Perlman is the multi-award-winning preeminent violinist of our times. OF OUR TIMES! OF THE LAST CENTURY! Countless, you’re not fit to spit shine the man’s shoes. And Chris Young (aka Izzy Gold), Mariah Carey has unbelievable ability and phenomenal star quality. Countless says she’s feeling “James Brown.” Chris says Countless reminds him of Madonna (joke, no?) and Fergie (ha ha, good one). She has, he says, “breathy hues,” she’s “raspy,” she has a “lower, basier voice.” Yeah, she does. Because she’s a guy. And is “basier” a real word? A little side note: Chris Young (aka Izzy Gold) is also the producer of American Idol’s William Hung. Remember him? She Bangs, She Bangs? Now it all makes sense. She bombed, she bombed. Now that’s what I’m talking about.

Back to the Caribbean. The gals (minus Countless, Jill and Simon) arrive in St. John’s for Ramona’s girl weekend getaway and are introduced to the Olga, a chic and elegant yacht as their home-away-from-home for a few days. “Let the games begin,” Ramona says. In the car, on the way to the yacht, the gals are snacking. Kelly won’t eat pretzels. “I don’t eat processed food,” she chirps in her usual dumbass tone. Then, she asks for gummy bears and jelly beans because, “It’s fun. It’s fun candy?” (Said with questioning inflection to make the point that she knows what she’s talking about. Hello?) Bethenny makes a better point, though, “Gummy bears don’t come from the vine.”

The games have begun.

On the yacht, the gals have changed into their swimsuits and are about to have lunch. Bethenny is quiet, newly pregnant and clearly recovering from the death of her father. She’s been through the ringer. Ramona is concerned for Bethenny and offers support. Bethenny is touched but still reeling. Ramona needs her Pinot Grigio and it’s not on the table.  Bethenny offers to stomp the grapes for Ramona but Kelly is offended by the offer. “What? No! I’m eating those. You’re not stomping on any grapes.” Bethenny seems dumbfounded by Kelly’s complete lack of culture and replies, “It’s called a joke. It’s called grapes make wine. Just a bit of light humor.” Clearly confused, Kelly replies, “No light humor. It’s food you’re talking about.” Okay, to clarify, Kelly doesn’t seem to know that wine is made from grapes. Not a big surprise considering the source. I won’t waste space on Kelly’s “lemons into lemonade” comment. That must be seen to be believed. Bethenny wonders, if by Columbia, Kelly means she went to Columbia “the country” because she says, “there’s no effing way that broad went to college. She didn’t go to Mickey Mouse University.” Couldn’t have said it better myself, Bethenny.

At lunch, Ramona brings up last week’s altercation with Jill (Satan) but Kelly is incensed. Kelly makes the following statement: “It’s really not my game to talk badly about people.” Is that so, Kelly? Let’s take a look see. The following statements are just some of the word-for-word remarks directly from Kelly’s mouth over the course of the day/evening (most of it hurled directly in Bethenny’s direction).

“Have a good time I’m going to be in my la la land with cartwheels and nice people being genuine and kind and you guys can enjoy your banter and your, like, vile behavior.”

“You guys are sick. You’re demented.”

“I’m not like Bethenny. I have so much integrity. If you had it like this, you wouldn’t give it away.”

“Bethenny tries to make people feel bad so that she can feel better which is not a good quality.”

“Nobody cares about you, Bethenny. No one. No one cares. You’re malicious, vindictive, cunning and deceitful and it’s creepy. That’s why I’m creeped out by you.”

“You’re not a chef. You’re a cook. It’s creepy.”

“I’m not a ho bag like Bethenny. I don’t sleep with anybody that walks around.”

“She’s a mean, vindictive, horrible person.” (To Sonya re: Bethenny.)

Have I made my point? And, why is being a cook creepy? Lots of insulted cooks out there right now. Kelly, you’re soooooooooo nice. Really.

Back in New York, Countless is on a date at a dark, dim hole-in-the wall grill somewhere next to (what looks like) a garbage dump with Courte, a “published author” from “The Hamptons.” If this episode has taught us anything, it’s that Countless has clearly come down in station. And drastically so. The segment is too painful to recap but if you’re interested in seeing Countless get pawed by a drunken Lech, go ahead and watch the rerun. But don’t say you weren’t warned.

Fast forward to the Hooters boat, in the slip next to the Olga. Ramona has her buzz on and is enjoying the night despite the drama next door. Alex is having a pretty good time too. Bethenny flees the Olga and joins the Hooters gang escaping the onslaught of clichéd insults from Kelly, likely the most hate-filled reality star to grace the little screen in the history of reality TV. Poor Sonja has been left behind with Kelly but makes the best of it. Eventually, Sonja and Kelly make their way to the Hooters boat where Ramona takes a stand and shuts Kelly down, at least temporarily. Tipsy Sonja is checking out the “Hooter Girls” happily so. We end the evening with Ramona, Bethenny and Alex dancing the night away at the Fat Turtle.

Thank you, Jill, for not showing up this week. It would have been way too much.

To be continued…