Abnormal Psychology. Week 2 of the New York Housewives was a refresher course in this favorite college staple. Back in the day we called it “Nuts and Sluts.” You can probably figure out which housewife falls in what category.

Last week we learned that Ramona is “renewing herself.” As part of her renewal, she trimmed two inches off her hair. She can’t resist calling attention to her new locks. “I’m like Samson and, uh, Del…Deliah,” she says bouncing on the seat cushion trying to get her brain to work, “I had long sexy blond hair and now I look like an older, more beautiful Cameron Diaz.” That’s one massive textbook delusion she has going on. Ramona and Mario have drinks with Bethenny and her too-nice-for-her boyfriend, Jason, to rehash their respective fights with LuAnn. Bethenny announces, “LuAnn lost her husband and grew a penis.” I don’t know what that means exactly, but LuAnn sounds very resourceful.

Later that weekend, Ramona and Mario, still not done talking about LuAnn or the haircut, invite Alex and Simon out for drinks and more complaining and fishing for compliments. “You didn’t say anything about my hair!” Right on cue, Simon mocks, “Why, it makes you look just like Cameron Diaz.” Not to be outdone, Mario has a new look this season too. He has spiked his hair and is dressing like his secret crush, Simon. In fact, the two ended up wearing matching white linen suits to dinner. Spoiler alert – in episode three Mario will be wearing silver sequined leggings and a pirate shirt to fashion week. Tune in at your peril.

At dinner, egged on by Simon, his new boy toy, Mario drunk dials LuAnn and leaves a message. “LuuuAnnnn, pleeez don’t be mad at me. WaaaaAaaaa. Come to my party and we can talk.” Listening to the voicemail, LuAnn is about to cave. Jill, the puppet master, sees that she is losing control of her new underdog and jumps in, “Bring it on Bitch! I can’t believe he just said that!” LuAnn looks confused. Then swallows the bait. “That SOB,” she thinks, “I can’t believe he just said that to me. Thank goodness Jill is here to tell me what to think.”

Next we see Countess LuAnn, a woman “without her husband of 16 years” in her new, full-time home in the Hamptons. Looks like the Count isn’t paying for the Manhattan townhouse rental anymore. Poor LuAnn is having a rough time adjusting to her new life “without her husband of 16 years,” not because she misses the old coot, but because she has to break in a new “girl.” She invites Rosie out to the Hamptons to see the kids, but really so Rosie can teach the new “girl” the correct way to wait hand and foot on “the Countess Without her Husband of 16 Years”. After learning that Rosie won’t be giving any cooking lessons, LuAnn, always the passive-aggressive, walks back to the house with Rosie telling her, “You look good. You’ve kept the weight off.” And that is Class with the Countess.

Meanwhile, still at LuAnn’s house, we find Jill, Bobby and Allie freeloading for the weekend. They meet in the kitchen every morning to try to figure out how to make instant cappuccino for the Countess. Jill sold her house last year and is now part of the Hamptons Homeless-that group of people who are forced to sell because they can’t afford their lifestyle anymore but tell people they “sold at the height of the market” to make it sound like part of a plan. Heads up! Jill may turn up on your doorstep at any moment. Anyway, Jill calls Ramona to tell her that she is stuck at LuAnn’s and can’t come to her Labor Day party. The nut calls LuAnn a slut and hangs up. Jill makes the most astute observation of the night when she says “people who are obsessed with other people’s marriages have problems in their own house.” Problem is, all of these housewives are obsessed with each other’s marriages.

So Ramona and Mario have their party and only six people show up. Alex and Simon try to leave early to go to LuAnn’s party. It must have been a bore; since when did these two crashers ever leave a party? Ramona turns on the tears and Mario tells them, “sometimes you have to decide what team you’re on.” They are reluctantly drafted.

Meanwhile at LuAnn’s Labor Day get together, Kelly rushes in and calls a secret meeting. “I am so incredibly true and so incredibly genuine, except for my fake boobs, that I am going to be on the 40th Anniversary cover of Playboy with a 10 page spread.” Bobby and Noel smile to themselves, each forming images in their heads. “You know Kelly,” Bobby croons, “from 1969 to 1998 I have every issue of Playboy in my mother’s basement. I am going to add you to my collection, but I’ll keep it under my bed for a while.” Noel just smiles and nods, “Me too.” Kelly is grossed out. She can’t believe that she will be naked in a magazine read by millions of sweaty handed men like Bobby. “It’s inspirational to women for me to be in Playboy,” she protests. LuAnn wants some of that limelight so she digs up a photo of her and one of the Village People on an old Playgirl magazine cover.  That issue was under the beds of lots of men, too.  Just that none of them were looking at LuAnn. Nuts or Sluts? Can’t decide.

Finally, LuAnn and Jill end the day sitting in rockers on the porch like the biddies they are. Despite all of Alex’s apologies, Jill is “SHOCKED” that Alex and Simon didn’t leave Ramona’s and come over. Countess Passive-Aggressive flames the fire while steam blows out of Jill’s ears. “Alex took the Ramona pill. If she wanted to come she would have come.” Jill writes them off, too. “I’m done giving, giving, giving and getting nothing in return,” she complains. “Bethenny sends a gift basket for Bobby’s cancer, instead of cutting short her book tour and putting her career on hold for me. After all I did for her when she was so pitiful, broke and lonely. How dare she be more famous than me!” Class dismissed.