It’s been another week in AllAboutMe Land, that virtual world ruled by the dastardly Professor von Frankencohen; a place where its inhabitants perform outrageous stunts, usually involving heavy drinking, designed to keep everything all about them. Because as von Frankencohen admonishes every week to his subjects, “If it ain’t all about you, it’s (GASP!!!) all about somebody else. Look what happened to what’s her name.” Who? Exactly.
Apparently there is a contest each week to see just who it really is All About. This means that everything from the tedious to the banal gets dialed up to epic proportions. Even though Cindy is a newcomer to town, she really has things figured out. Last week she met Kelly at 1:00 am, bedraggled and bleeding from a viscous hair flip from her illegal nanny. This week it’s even worse. She is meeting Sonja in Tribeca to try on Vivienne Tam dresses and go to lunch. Sonja never ventures below 57th Street, but for camera time and a bottle of wine, she will instruct her driver to go down (I know it’s Sonja, but this time she means downtown). Also, she’s bankrupt and broke and needs to eat.
Cindy is again breathless, and toothless, it turns out. “Oh my Gawd. Remember last night when we got sh*t faced at the martini benefit for the Blah, Blah, Blah Foundation? Well, I fell flat on my face eating pistachio nuts. I’m okay because my teeth broke the fall!” She offers up her teeth in an Hermes box as proof and cancels lunch with Sonja who can’t believe she has to miss another meal.
At Vivienne Tam, the girls try on a couple of age-inappropriate dresses and Cindy asks Sonja if she is coming to her Horse Riding Birthday Party. “It’s in Quogue,” Cindy tells her. Sonja is horrified. “Oh…Quogue. I won’t go to Quogue.” LuAnn tells the camera what that means, “Alls I know is that Quogue has a low rent kinda stigma.” Alls I know? Yup.
Sonja heads over to Kelly’s house in one of the Hamptons. Which one, we wonder – not the Bays (too jersey shore), not West (too, well, you know), not South (that’s where Ramona is), but probably East (dahhling, everyone knows the only real Hampton is East Hampton) – to go horseback riding. Sonja is a bit rusty. “I haven’t been in a saddle for a while. I usually ride bareback.Wink, wink.” Does she never stop? Resisting any advice from Kelly (who, honestly, seems more worried about the horse, anyway) Sonja loses control of her mount and falls off. She falls like a big splat – like that green Nickelodeon splat to be precise. A full out, arms and legs akimbo splat. She even made a splat noise. (For those who care, she walked away to torture us another day.) Hobbling back, Sonja invites Kelly to a Toaster Oven Party at her house, where she plans to teach Kelly how to cook a grilled cheese sandwich. She also plans to invite Kelly’s arch nemesis, Ramona, in an attempt to bring the two together. “I’m really well known for that,” she says. Who’s it all about now?
That night is LuAnn’s cocktail party. Yes, another. Sonja is staying at LuAnn’s house because hers is “rented” which is code for “held by the Bankruptcy Trustee”. Cindy and Sonja dial up the drama reciting the word “Quogue” over and over sounding like a house full of chickens until one of them lays an egg. “Ah, food,” sighs Sonja, “Quogue, Quogue, Quogue” she clucks, hoping for more. Then the doors burst open and Ramona rushes in, leaving a trail of dried leaves in her wake. “First, I need a Pinot Grigio, then I am going to scold LuAnn for being a lousy mother and leaving her kids alone in the Hamptons while she’s off in the city.” LuAnn faces the camera again. “Who is Ramona to judge me on being a parent? Alls I know is that Ramona is out every night.” Alls I know? Yup again.
Meanwhile, Cindy pulls Kelly aside. “Mums the word, but if Sonja asks you to a Toaster Oven Party, just say you can’t go. If you love your children, don’t go. That’s all I can say on the matter.” Like Deep Throat to Woodward and Bernstein, she disappears into thin air after reciting her cryptic message, leaving Kelly more confused than ever. “But I promised Teddy I would make her a grilled cheese sandwich!” That Cindy sure knows how to ratchet up the drama.
Cindy may have met her match in Ramona. The next day brings the “Dog Rescue Walk” where, apparently, people just show up with their dogs and walk them. Ramona wears a Juicy Couture velour track suit on the walk (it was hanging in her closet next to her Sergio Valente jeans). She pulls LuAnn aside to tell her that she is mad at Cindy’s brother, Howie, for smoking the cigars that once belonged to her poor deceased friend, Jeff. Ramona sobs and throws herself to the ground clawing at the dirt. “Ooh the cigars, the injustice, the inhumanity,” she wails. LuAnn coins a great new phrase, “Pinot Polar” to describe Ramona’s tendency to crap on you one night and cry on your shoulder the next morning. All due to the effects of too much Pinot Grigio.
Kelly doesn’t need Pinot, she has her own stash of something else. We have yet to discover what it is, but it sure is potent. Having just imbibed, inhaled or just rubbed herself with it, Kelly tells Sonja that Cindy spilled the beans and now she won’t be going to the Toaster Oven Party. Quite suddenly she notices she is on the beach. “Look at where we are! Look at this. Let’s Make Sand Angels! Oh wow, man, Double Rainbow.” What?
Finally, when we thought our visit to AllAboutMe Land would never end, it’s time for the Quogue Horse Party. Every one shows up except Sonja, which is odd since she is staying at LuAnn’s and LuAnn is at the party. Quogue must be pretty bad if Sonja won’t go there even for free food. Of course Ramona rushes in (she only has one speed) shouting, “Where’s my Pinot Grigio. You know that’s the only thing I drink. Pinot Grigio. Pinot Grigio. Pinot Grigio…Oh look, an egg.” The party is a snooze. The horses are too old to move and there is DIP. “DDDIIIIPPPP!!!! I HATE DIP. GET THIS BEEPING DIP OFF THE BEEPING TABLE. DDDIIIPPPP!” Cindy’s eyes roll to the back of her head and she falls face first into the DDDIIIIPPPP. Well, we can dream.
But Ramona won’t be out done by Cindy’s dip tantrum. She spots Howie with her friend’s widow and shoots over to them like a heat seeking missile. “Howie, I need to tell you how I feel. I need to talk to you now because I am very uncomfortable and I need to have a conversation with you. Right now in front of your 90 year-old father at your sister’s birthday party, I must talk to you about me. Me. Me. Me. IT IS ALL ABOUT ME!!!!
To quote a Countess, “Alls I know is money can’t buy you class.”
Photos courtesy of Bravo TV