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The Real Housewives of New York:
Diary of THE Mad Housewife

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There is only one possible scenario which could have neutralized Kelly’s rapid nosedive into madness (aka “Kellyland”) and that would have been Simon emerging from the sea in a Speedo. Unfortunately for all, that scenario never happened.

There’s sadness to this episode, no question. Kelly is clearly living in an alternate reality and refuses to let go of her jealousy and completely unfounded hatred of Bethenny. The episode continues from last week with the ladies on Ramona’s girl getaway and opens with the gals moving from the Olga into a luxury mansion on another island. On the sail over to the new location, Kelly’s refusal to let go of the notion that Bethenny is a “cook,” not a “chef” sets the tone for the day and leaves Bethenny choking back an onslaught of tears. The first sign of madness appears when Kelly declares, “Satchels of gold!” and no one understands the reference (something to do with the Leprechauns of Kellyland, perhaps?). The other gals, mostly Sonja (bless her heart), try desperately to redirect Kelly’s groundless rage against Bethenny to no avail.

In the mansion, there’s a striking and singular moment where we get a glimpse into the profound depths of Kelly’s hatred of Bethenny – a painfully apparent turning point from which there is no return. The moment occurs when Bethenny makes a rather generous and sweet gesture of gifting goody bags to the other gals. The bags, Bethenny tells us, contain fun items like towels, suntan lotion, sunglasses and other tidbits along those lines. Bethenny has had Skinny Girl canvas bags monogrammed for each of the ladies and distributes, filled to the brim, as a surprise. This thoughtful gesture, however, enrages Kelly so much so, the viewer (at least this viewer) has no option but be concerned for Bethenny’s safety (considering the stories of Kelly’s allegedly violent personal history). Kelly says the bag is impersonal (I wonder if Kelly’s monogram – KKB – stands for “Kelly Kills Bethenny”) and filled with Bethenny-centric items (there looks to be a bottle of Skinny Girl Vodka and a really cool sparkly cowboy hat in the pile of swag). Kelly is so infuriated, she breaks down, sobbing inconsolably (naturally, in full view of a camera crew). Incoherent, she phones Jill in New York City who has no idea what Kelly is actually talking about. Per usual, Kelly makes no sense. Kelly says she has nightmares in which Bethenny is trying to stab her (projection?) and that Bethenny is “so GROSS.” Kelly says, “I’m alone on scary island with no friends.” (This could be her catch phrase on Manhattan, too.) At the root of the matter, Kelly, it appears, senses how the other ladies quite adore Bethenny. Bethenny’s thoughtfulness is endearing and lovely and this, Kelly cannot abide. How dare Bethenny be so loveable (accomplished/smart/pregnant/successful/engaged, etc.)!

To “one-up” Bethenny, Kelly decides to photograph the ladies in a faux photo shoot as a “gift.” But, just before she announces the cheesy rebuttal “gesture,” she produces a pad of paper called “the complaint pad” and suggests the ladies put their complaints to paper so they can then throw the complaints away like in the fourth grade. Alex is further perplexed by Kelly’s statement that Alex is channeling the devil.

(Message to Bethenny: If Kelly doesn’t want her pretty Skinny Girl gift bag, send it my way. I’d be happy to accept.)

Back in New York City, Jill reveals to Countless she’s concerned re: Kelly’s phone call. Jill isn’t sure what a rambling Kelly (unable to form sentences, she adds) was trying to say and maybe she should get to the island stat. Of course she’d bring a gift for Ramona and one for Bethenny, too. Countless advises Jill not to go but she can see Jill has made up her mind.

Back at the mansion, Bethenny prepares dinner for the gang as a gift to Ramona: crab cakes, steaks, Skinny Girl martinis – the works. The crab cakes look so delectable, one can almost smell the aroma through the television.

(Reader warning: From this point forward, the descent into madness is swift and clear.)

(Message to Bethenny: Please, can I have the recipe for the crab cakes?)

Moving on.

It’s dinnertime on the island. Ramona infuriates Kelly by requesting she take a (speaker phone) call to a more private area of the 11,000-sq-ft mansion. Kelly tells us she will “claw your eyes out” if you mess with her kids. The women, without a doubt, are treading lightly. Kelly won’t drink a Skinny Girl martini. She questions Bethenny’s chef status. Again. (Yawn.) Kelly freaks at the prospect of sitting across from Bethenny at the dinner table. Bethenny could care less where Kelly sits. Kelly laments she has nobody, they have everybody. Sonja suggests Kelly is paranoid. Kelly won’t eat the beautiful, beautiful crab cake (I was hungry when I watched this episode). Sonja, “the bodacious one,” eats it for her (I was jealous). Kelly says Bethenny’s food is not really that good. Sonja says it’s five-star quality and she’s knows what she’s talking about. Bethenny asks Sonja if she was a hooker. Everyone laughs but Kelly. Ramona has “happy mouth” thanks to Bethenny’s culinary skills. Kelly can’t stop herself from hurling insult-upon-insult at Bethenny. Bethenny could care less what Kelly thinks or says. Alex is speechless. Sonja invests extreme effort redirecting (and redirecting and redirecting) the conversation through the venom erupting like a volcano from Kelly’s befuddled psyche. The reality of Kelly not grasping reality is scary to watch or believe. Ramona makes the crazy gesture. Keep in mind, this is just the precursor to the main course, when the gates of Kellyland explode open and flood the night.

Halfway through dinner, the idea that Kelly is mentally ill becomes agonizingly evident. Kelly’s actions (amongst other things, repeating the phrases “white noise” and “zip it” over and over and over) and general mannerisms support the theory. Ramona, looking gorgeous in the most adorable white dress, attempts to apologize to Bethenny for statements she made in a previous episode (the Brooklyn Bridge walk) but Kelly won’t allow it. She asks if Ramona and Bethenny are “gonna makeout with the tongue.” Kelly is a time bomb. Sonja, defeated, says, “I can’t diffuse her anymore.” Bethenny uses all of the first-trimester strength she can muster to keep from bursting into a fit of laughter. Ramona and Bethenny retreat to discuss. Sonja begs Alex not to abandon her (at the table with Kelly). Then, Kelly says Alex has “pent up anger and anxiety” and that she looks like Kabuki. Kelly declares how Bethenny has been trying to kill her (crossing herself in the name of Jesus to up the drama). Alex asks Kelly when Bethenny has ever tried to kill her. Sonja is having trouble following (like the rest of us). Bethenny and Ramona return but Kelly won’t allow anyone to speak. It’s all just Kelly chatter, chatter, senseless chatter. Sonja has her head in her hands. Alex, Bethenny and Ramona take a “time-out.” A horrified Sonja laments, “You’re leaving me with this?” (pointing at Kelly). Sonja’s karmic bank account is overflowing.

Now, as much as we don’t want to make light of anyone’s alleged insanity, the funniest moment of the episode appears in the time-out and should be noted accordingly. Bethenny is elated. Finally, vindicated! “THIS IS THE BEST DINNER PARTY I’VE EVER HAD,” she declares triumphantly! “BECAUSE THE LUNATIC CAME OUT! WOW!”

She makes a good point.

When the gang reconvenes, Bethenny tells Kelly she wants to hear the truth and jokingly says (in her best Jack Nicholson growl), “You can’t handle the truth!” But Kelly doesn’t get it. “Oh my God! Al Sharpton!” she screams. “Al Sharpton! Put your hair up! It’s Al Sharpton!”

What the @#&*?

“What about when you attacked my friend Gwyneth?!” Kelly persists.

“Who’s Gwyneth?” says Bethenny.

“Paltrow. And what about Rachel?!”

Okay, who the @#&* is Rachel? Please say it isn’t Dratch!

Kelly gathers up the crazy and retreats inside the mansion but returns with a bag of jelly beans and/or lollipops. Clearly, she has shifted, fully, into her fantasy role as Mayor of the Lollipop Guild on the yellow-brick road into Kellyland. Incoherent, senseless, rambling Kelly has lost – completely – any connection to actual reality. Finally, Sonja (who is not a psychiatrist but plays one in this episode) diagnoses Kelly with a loose screw and persuades the others that what Kelly really needs is their support (this has turned into a working vacation for Sonja, poor dear).

Or, simply stated, Kelly is a spoiled brat with limited intelligence who doesn’t like it when anyone gets more attention than she.

And there you have it.

(Message to Ramona: Girl, you throw a killer party. You deserve a feature story right here on this website. Call me.)

2 Responses to The Real Housewives of New York:
Diary of THE Mad Housewife

  1. I look genuinly forward to these write ups… being a fan of the housewives of NY and of Bethenny, I love reading about your spin on everything and the humor that you inject is priceless!!!

  2. Carol Toscano says:

    Thank you.

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