Buzzz….buzzz….buzzz….What’s that sound? It’s not an infestation of killer bees, it’s the sound of the iphones of The Real Housewives of New York whenever there is a Google Alert about one of them. For the uninitiated, a Google Alert is just an email from Google alerting you that someone has mentioned you in an article on the web. And really, if there is one thing the Housewives like better than talking about themselves, it’s reading about themselves.
The first Google Alert of the night went to Bethenny, or rather, her assistant. Buzzz, buzzz, buzzz went the phone. “Let’s drop everything and see what’s being written about you,” says the assistant. Uh, Oh, that dastardly Perez Hilton has printed the news that Bethenny is pregnant! Who could have leaked such a juicy story? Well, let’s see…Bethenny comes to mind first, her publicist, Andy Cohen, the cameraman, anyone else at Bravo. This was possibly the worst kept secret in New York. Who didn’t know? A tightly wound Bethenny picks up the phone and screams into it, “Come Over Right Now.”
A little farther uptown, LuAnn is visiting Sonja’s townhouse to plan the “Cocktails and Couture” party. The two go out to Sonja’s French-inspired patio and it is filled, FILLED, with dog poop. “Oh, the housekeeper hasn’t cleaned out here today,” Sonja laughs. “OR EVER,” we think. Jill calls while the two are wiping off their shoes on each other. “Bethenny is pregnant,” she says, “I got it in a Google Alert.” LuAnn looks worried. “I didn’t get the Alert,” she frowns. “I hope my Google is working, I would hate to miss something important about myself.” LuAnn invites Jill to the party at Sonja’s. Annoyed that LuAnn is getting tight with Sonja, Jill’s Kodak True Colors come shining through, “I saw the invitation. I can see you didn’t put any thought into it.” Don’t worry, if a steppa wree peet is there, even next to a bag of garbage, Jill will be, too.
So now we know that Jason is already whipped. He comes home with his tail between his legs after receiving his summons from Bethenny. She tells him that the news of her pregnancy is out. Jason, to his credit, is pissed. “I want to be able to tell my parents. I can handle your public eye, but I won’t inconvenience my parents.” Bethenny starts to yell at him and tell him she has to make a public statement. As her voice continues to rise, Jason calmly puts her in her place, “Don’t yell at me. Let me be angry. Allow me that.” Bethenny relents and all is well in the Frankel household. For now.
During one of the between commercial vignettes, we see Jill planning a party. She and Bobby want to celebrate how wonderful they are with a skating party. Jill hires a party planner, Jen Gilbert, to help, although all she is required to do is take down Jill’s ideas. “Fancy invitations – I know a stationer who will give them to me for free, cupcakes – I know a bakery that will give them to me for free, lamb chops – I know some baby sheep who will throw themselves on a spit for free, Wollmann Rink – I know Donald Trump and he will throw it in for free. Not likely. Can’t you just hear The Donald saying, “I know Jill Zarin and she is Disgusting.” Lip snarl and all. In all seriousness the party planner asks Jill if she wants to “do a moment.” Jill plans to make a grand entrance on the ice, execute a triple axel and follow that with a sit spin. The crowd will erupt in spontaneous applause and announce her greatness on twitter. And Jill’s iphone will buzzzz and buzzzz.
While Jill is dreaming of Housewives on Ice, Sonja and Ramona are busy visiting an unlicensed doctor across town. Sonja has a little “pooch” that she wants sucked out of her. Dr. Third World tells her that he will just borrow the Electrolux from the cleaning lady, suck out the pooch and all will be well. No pain, no swelling, no ice. Ramona came along to ask the hard questions that Sonja is too uncomfortable asking. “Are you certified? (answer: No) Do you have hospital privileges? (answer: No) How many patients have you killed? (answer: here or in my country?). Sonja makes an appointment to have her pooch Hoovered and calls her psychic on the way out. “Roberta, do you see a future for me beyond Friday?” Well, we will have to wait to find out.
Lest we forget that LuAnn is an accomplished author, she has a speaking engagement at Bloomingdales to plug her book, “Class with the Countess.” Just as LuAnn is about to start her talk, Jill and Kelly blow in to disrupt her moment. Talking non-stop throughout LuAnn’s pathetic attempt to civilize the great unwashed, Jill once again demonstrates the Tiger Wood/Investment banker maxim that ‘people who think they are superior also think that rules don’t apply to them’. Even rules of basic good manners. When the moderator notices that there are several brides in the audience, Jill shouts out, “Woo hoo! Anybody have a brathah for LuAnn? Kelly is available…” We always knew that Jill is really one of the great unwashed.
Afterwards, Jill and Bobby appear on a local news show to talk about Zarin Fabrics. Bobby admits to being nervous. “This is your gig. I’m here to back you up. Just look at me, baby,” she tells him, “Right here, right here.” When they arrive on the set, Jill looks around horrified. “Oh My God! I forgot to Twitter, I forgot to Twitter. I won’t get a Google Alert about myself.” Needless to say, when the camera rolled, Bobby uttered 3 words and Jill took over completely. But we found it quite endearing that Bobby’s feet barely touched the ground when he sat on the big couch in the studio. His feet just dangled like a 3 year old while his Jill-mama stepped in to tell the story much faster than he ever could.
Bethenny calls Alex to tell her that she is pregnant. She also complains that Jill is tweeting about it. “I got it in my Google Alert. Jill is tweeting about my pregnancy. I want you to tell her that ‘Bethenny says you and she are done.’” Like the Manchurian Candidate, Alex gets up without a word and heads over to Ramona’s launch party, to deliver the message to Jill.
Ramona is launching her skin care line, ‘tru renewal’, at the Equinox gym. As she inspects the display, she tells us that she has worked on the line for a year and a half. “It would have been better if the lettering read ‘Tru ReNewal’ like a true renewal, but it doesn’t.” Turns out this ‘inquisitive’ businesswoman forgot to ask the name of her product. Anyway, it doesn’t matter because the line has all but disappeared. Jill comes to the launch party and announces to the camera that she was reluctant to come because Ramona ruined her Kodak event. “But I, being the bigger and better person want to show her, teach her by example how to do the right thing.” So what is the right thing? Make fun of Ramona’s face on the brochure (“She looks like she had bad Botox and her nose is huge!”), criticizing the food (“It’s the most unhealthy food imaginable. I’m starving here.”) and dismissing her product (“There are 50 million skin care lines on this earth. The last thing we need is another”). Well, that one is probably true.
In walks the Manchurian Candidate, “I have a message. I have a message. I have a message.” As usual, no one pays any attention to her. This is a good lesson for Alex. She should have cried, “Google Alert! Google Alert! Google Alert!” After all, if it doesn’t come as a Google Alert, it’s just not important. Alex takes a deep breath and announces, “I have a message for Jill. From Bethenny.” Well, that does get everyone’s attention. “Bethenny told me to tell you, Jill, that she never wants to talk to you again. Or see you.”
Amid outraged cries from the other Housewives that the message is “creepy, awful,mean, and not a real Google Alert,” and Kelly’s one ridiculous contribution to the melee, “The messenger always gets killed…like in literature?…the messenger gets killed,” Alex leaves with a triumphant smile on her face. We find ourselves smiling along with her.