Andy Cohen must have thought he stepped in it this week. I mean how lucky was he that he was filming a totally contrived segment for The Real Housewives of New York when all hell breaks loose?

Jill’s she-devil dog, Ginger, also known as Jinjah, is sick. Poor thing’s not eating. Jill finds a vet who makes house calls because Jinjah is not allowed to mingle with the common dog. So into the silver satin living room of Chez Zarin walks the Vet, the Vet’s tech, whom Jill snarkily refers to as “Nursey Nursey,” Jill’s new house slave, Brad II, the Bravo cameraman, a strange woman with a dog who just happened to drop by to be on TV and a screeching Jill. Well, it turns out that Jinjah HAS been eating. A lot. “She’s shitting all over the carpet,” Jill screams. We can’t imagine why Jinjah is pooping all over; it’s such a calm, Zen-like environment at Jill’s. “Good thing Nursey Nursey is wearing plastic shoes, the shit rinses right off,” Jill laughs, cause what’s not funny about her dog pooping on everybody. Then a light bulb goes off in her head. “Plastic, hmm.”

All the Zarin girls are writing books this year. In fact, Mamala Gloria and big sister what’s her name went over to Jill’s to pick out photos for their book, Secrets of a Jewish Mother. What’s her name complains that Jill only wants photos of Allie in the book. “We’re all famous,” whines what’s her name, “and I don’t see why I don’t get a photo.” Gloria tries to comfort her, “Because you’re a nothing, darling. I’m the Jewish Mother, Jill is the fabulous A-list celebrity with a heart of gold, and we just let you come along for the ride because we feel sorry for you. May you only have happiness and love in your life, because you deserve it.” The girls go into Jill’s bedroom to cuddle. “Thank god,” complains Gloria, “those plastic slipcovers just about ripped the skin off my ass. And what are these brown marks from, anyway?” In bed, Gloria imparts one of her secrets, and for free. “Never wear chiffon at your own wedding…on Christmas Day.” I’d say Confucius has nothing to worry about. Not to be outdone by her owner, Jinjah is writing a book, too. It’s called, How to Shit on Your Friends and Family – Things I’ve Learned from My Life With Jill. We are predicting it will do better than Secrets.

So Bethenny, sure to have her own chapter in Jinjah’s book, has gotten herself engaged to Jason. She breaks the news to Alex who is genuinely thrilled for her. It’s too bad that there is only one housewife Bethenny feels she can trust to be happy for her “with no strings attached.”

Meanwhile, Ramona and Sonja, old friends during their wild and crazy days, as opposed to their now just crazy days, are catching up over lunch. Now dating Max (the French guy with the good hair and small brain from last season), Sonja is still wondering whether or not Kelly and Max did the nasty, probably worried about how she stacks up. “I mean if I took a cab ride with him, I would come out of that cab with a relationship,” growls Sonja. Down, girl. Who is this Max character, anyway? I think I saw him on the street the other day singing the David Lee Roth rendition of “I’m Just a Gigolo.” He’s very talented.

“Let’s see,” muses Andy Cohen while sucking on a huge cigar in his office, “what can we have Kelly do this week? I’ve Got It! What could be more exciting than watching her make breakfast for her daughters?” So off we head to Kellyland for a really riveting segment with Kelly deep-frying pancakes for the girls. Actually, little Teddy kind of wins us over with her hand written signs. Refusing to speak, she writes her commentary. “Uh Oh” for starters, moving on to “You burned the spatula, idiot!” and finishing with “Redrum.” We just love her. Be strong, little one.

Speaking of mothers and daughters. Ramona is telling Avery of her plans to renew her vows with Mario. “Isn’t that kind of random?” Avery asks with a puzzled look. Ramona explains that ever since she renewed her hair she is trapped in a vortex of renewal and can’t stop renewing. Renew, renew, renew. She asks Avery to be the “Maid of Honor.” In true teenage fashion, Avery wants to know just how much work is involved in that chore. “What do I have to do as Maid of Honor?” she asks. “Just be my assistant, fix my makeup, help me get dressed, do my hair, nails, make my bed, clean the bathroom, send the invitations, pick out the flowers, throw me a shower and walk me down the aisle,” Ramona ticks off on her fingers. Avery reluctantly agrees and Ramona starts to bawl. “I had no love growing up. I was loveless. My father was abusive. By giving birth to you, you taught me what love is. Sniffle, sniffle.” Maybe it’s me, but isn’t that a lot to lay on a 14 year old?

Downtown, LuAnn is out looking for a rent-controlled castle in a 6-story walk-up. She brings a decorator friend along whose job it is to provide excuses for not renting. The realtor tells LuAnn that the rent is $7,500 a month. LuAnn blanches. With what she got from the Count, she can only afford a couple hundred so she elbows the decorator. Hard. “It doesn’t seem very Countess-like to me,” he pronounces on cue. “You see, I used to live in a townhouse,” LuAnn huffs. “Well, you ain’t living in one anymore,” the realtor thinks as he nods his head in feigned sympathy. So off they head to midtown. It’s really a building on 28th Street next to a McDonalds. When she hears that the rent for this one is $14,000 a month she tsks, “Darling, no, no, no. Just look at all the buildings. Look at the view.” Yes, LuAnn, when you look out a window in Manhattan, you see buildings. What a dilemma. Will she ever find her pied a terre (or as LuAnn pronounces it, her pierre daterre)?

LuAnn heads home to the Hamptons to have dinner with Kelly and Sonja. We hear Sonja talking about some of her skeletal socialite (emphasis on lite) friends who stay skinny by stealing their kid’s Adderall. “I’ve gained a lot of weight recently, so I’m thinking of going on Adderall, too” she confides. “But the women I know who are on it are snappy and short-fused. Also, I will have to buy it from the 8th grader pusher down the street and I’m friends with his mother.” The ladies tee-hee over Ramona being short fused, even without Adderall. “I hope you didn’t call her Crazy Eyes,” says LuAnn. “That’s my line.” She’s so clever.

Out of the blue, Sonja says, “Just because you are divorced, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have sex. We don’t want to shrivel up like an old prune.” Maybe she really needs that Adderall, after all. “That’s true,” adds LuAnn, “We are just three women on the town with a lot of love to give.” Here Kelly disagrees. “You just want to have fun. I want to get married and have kids,” she says. LuAnn, so full of that love she has to give laughs. “You want to have kids cause you’re such a child. A Kelly-child. Woo-hoo! Fist-bump!”

On to the evening’s big event, the Gotham Magazine party that Kelly is hosting. Kelly, wearing her daughter’s shirt that she has mistaken for her daughter’s dress, is clearly sweating. “I get nervous when I invite the other ladies. They’re such wild cards.” Jill arrives wrapped in plastic. You can never be too careful. “Keep Ramona away from me,” she warns Kelly. “It’s all I can do not to bitch-slap her!” Funny, we feel the same way about Jill. LuAnn shows up next and, just to show off, speaks remedial Italian to Mario. He one-ups her and replies in much better Italian. She clearly doesn’t know what he said to her, but she knows it wasn’t nice. And, a whole year later, he still hasn’t apologized! A nervous Bethenny shows up with Jason, ready to break the news of her engagement to the rest of the ladies.

Of course, Jill and LuAnn move away when they see Bethenny. We hear them talking about Sonja to some guy they have surrounded, because what else do these ladies do but talk trash about whoever is not there. Now one of the few married housewives, Jill is feeling old, ugly and left out and wants in on some of the flirting. She cozies up to the poor guy and slurs, “If you stick your tongue down her (Sonja’s) throat, she may let you sit at her table.” She really needs to work on her technique. Just then Kelly prances over. “Newsflash. I’m dressing really feminine these days. Second news flash. Bethenny is engaged.” Off she prances. Just like that.

LuAnn goes over to offer her insincere and heartfelt congratulations and, what do you know, it’s all about her. “Even though you treated me like a snake, I’m happy for you. Really.” The camera pans to Jill, standing all alone in the crowded bar. The rest of the party is centered on Bethenny and her happy news and Jill finds herself alone and friendless. And, finally, we smiled.