Bethenny

The Real Housewives of New York
Trilogy of Terror, Part Three: Return from Scary Island

Bethenny

It’s the morning after on Scary Island (aka the Island of Lost Housewives) with one vampire, one butter knife-wielding killer disguised as a pregnant chef (cook, chef, cook, chef), one jellybean-chomping smoke monster (for the last several years, Kelly has had an uncredited role as herself on the hit series Lost) and two superheroes trying to control the demons and save the island. For the sake of this recap, we’ll call Ramona “The Blonde Avenger,” Sonja “The Equalizer” and Kelly “Smoke Monster.” Relief seems imminent when Smoke Monster takes a voluntary powder and our vampire and killer return to their natural forms as New York City Housewives. The sun is shining, all is well and Hell is transformed into Paradise.

So it seems.

Just when you think it’s safe to go outside, think again, even if you’re just stepping out for a soothing mani/pedi. When you least expect it, in walks Satan herself. The delicate island balance is teetering.

“Surprise!” Satan shrieks. “Hiiiiiiiiiiii!”

“You have to be effing kidding,” says a horrified Blonde Avenger.

The Equalizer postures, ready to begin neutralization.

A trembling Alex (in a most adorable baby blue Sergeant Pepper bikini) whimpers, “There’s been enough drama.”

And just like that. Satan is cast out of Paradise.

Which brings up a rather sad point: the Housewives are nothing without the drama. The remaining four gals take a swim, get a massage and have a mini-bridal shower with naughty gifts and toilet paper wedding dresses. In other words, yawn.

After a boring segment involving some talk about “Dumbo with a large package” and pearl handcuffs (not as interesting as you might think), we segue back to life in New York City which, turns out, isn’t very exciting either. Same old, same old.

We have a lunch date: Countless, Satan, Jennifer Gilbert (a desperate-to-be-a-Housewife New York City party planner in a clownlike puffy shirt cinched around the neck with a bow bigger than her head) (maybe the puffy shirt was edited in as an homage to Jerry Seinfeld who appeared on Andy Cohen’s after show, Watch What Happens Live) and soon-to-arrive Smoke Monster. Satan tells Countless she wants to put Countless’s new CD in the gift bags for her upcoming Satanfest at the ice rink but Countless says, “We can’t give it away!” Satan retorts, “Believe me, you’re gonna give plenty away.” Translation: “It sucks and the only way you’ll unload it is by giving it away.”

Before Smoke Monster shows up, Satan and Countless discuss recent events on Scary Island. Satan chalks up her behavior to a learning experience just as the conversation shifts to Smoke Monster’s psychotic breakdown. “I hear that she totally flipped out,” Countless says. Jennifer Gilbert, poor thing, tries to get a word in but it’s like she doesn’t exist. Clearly, she’s desperate to be a part of the clique. (She’s the Lindsay Lohan character in Mean Girls.)

When Smoke Monster finally arrives (because she needs to make an entrance), she offers kisses to Countless and Satan bypassing Jennifer (apparently, Smoke Monster doesn’t cozy up to the hired help). Smoke Monster tells her lunch mates the trip was everything she hated: talking badly about people, gossiping about people, trying to one up each other. (Did I miss an episode?) Then, Smoke Monster talks badly about people, gossips about people and tries to one-up the others gals. Followed by, no surprise, outright lies. “I told Bethenny I was looking for true love and she said ‘you should have a one-night stand.’” WHAT? That must have been in the imaginary episode I missed between this episode and the last. Smoke Monster continues, “Bethenny kept attacking me for wanting true love so I called her a ho-bag. Which she is.”

LIAR!

Now, it’s time for this writer to make a gesture. Henceforth, I will no longer refer to LuAnn as Countless (pending proper behavior going forward, of course). LuAnn says she’s not a big fan of the term “ho-bag” and Smoke Monster shouldn’t have gone there. Amen! Smoke Monster begins a tirade re: the chef vs. cook debate and is surprised when all three lunch mates – Satan, LuAnn and Jennifer – come to Bethenny’s defense. Chef it is! Smoke Monster writhes. She tells the gals that on the trip, Bethenny has said, “I went out of my way to have a smear campaign against you!” (Another clip from the imaginary episode). Reality has, indeed, slipped away and isn’t coming back anytime soon. The other gals are catching on. Snap! Smoke Monster continues a rant that goes something like this: “Freaked out, jellybeans, I like candy, I didn’t know if they were going to have lollipops, I had to police them, I brought jellybeans,” and on and on. Not even Satan, with her infinite evil prowess, can make sense of the dribble spewing forth from Smoke Monster. Jennifer comes up with a cliché about there being three sides to every story (how original) and lunch is over. At last!

Over to Sonja’s for an art show, some opera and a summary (AGAIN) of Scary Island events. As a diversion, Sonja’s dress comes undone (she was spontaneously morphing into The Equalizer as a preemptive) and we get to hear some Figaro. It’s painful to watch Jennifer Gilbert navigate the landscape, self-consciously trying to emulate the other gals like a sponge absorbing the muck. Is she being groomed as the next New York Housewife, perhaps to replace Bethenny? We don’t know. She’s awkward and uncomfortable in every scene – almost as if she doesn’t actually like the other gals. It’s an odd fit, for sure.

We close the episode (which could have been called Devil in a Pink Dress) in New York’s beautiful rink in Bryant Park at Satanfest. Let’s break it down. Satan, in a pink ice skating dress falls on her rump but picks herself up (you can’t destroy the world whilst upon your backside, right?) and gives a triumphant spin. LuAnn brings producer Chris Young (aka Izzy Gold) as her date. He manages, strategically, to remain in camera view most of the evening. Satan, on the advice of sister, Lisa, calls Bethenny and makes a lunch date to talk.

Ramona, looking like a chic ice princess, is accosted both by Kelly and Satan, reprises her role as The Blonde Avenger and manages to escape with exemplary composure and elegance.

There’s an eerie parallel in our Housewife’s party at the ice rink to Dante’s Divine Comedy. For in the deepest depths of Hell exist the ice pits which entrap Satan for all eternity. Certain people had better skate lightly lest ye be swallowed whole, pink dress and all, for all eternity (or at least until next season where redemption is always just one episode away).

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