This week, we weren’t sure if we were watching an episode of The Real Housewives of New York or an episode of The Sopranos. There were several sit-downs, at least one rat, meetings with consigliere, a number of beefs, and lots of shanking. Let’s begin at the beginning.

We open the episode with a sit-down, the first of several. Jill arrives fresh from her trip to Australia. She’s had some time to think about past behavior and wants to make amends. She begins with distributing clip-on Koalas to her friends – the ladies who have it all (except for, of course, clip-on Koalas). They ooh and ahh. “You thought of us! You thought of us all the way down under!” coos LuAnn. My money says LuAnn’s Koala has found a new home in Fresh Kills, SI. Wink wink.

Unfortunately, the “crew” (aka LuAnn, Kelly, and Sonja) are in the midst of discussing Ramona. Again. “She can’t leave dead bodies all over town and expect to move on!” screeches Jill. So much for amends. Kelly has a major beef with Ramona. “If you can’t support me,” Ramona has texted Kelly, “Don’t expect me to support you!” Kelly says she’s been threatened by Ramona and she’s afraid… very afraid. My God! This text was so inappropriate – it contained (gasp!) misspellings and arrived at 1:30 a.m. “Oh, you were threatened?” asks Sonja. “That’s not a threat,” she explains. “A threat is like a horse head in your bed.” Kelly is so inept, she needs gangland-style counseling before a sit-down with Ramona. The women role play with Sonja as Ramona. And just like that, Ramona is shanked. And shanked. And shanked.

The next day, Kelly and Ramona meet with Sonja as consigliere. Ramona knows Kelly is basically an empty suit and handles her carefully to avoid another Kelly breakdown. Kelly forgives Ramona (we still don’t know what for exactly) but she will never forget. Never! Sonja is satisfied by the seemingly amiable result of this sit-down but she has another problem—Cindy. Which brings us to our third and most entertaining sit-down.

Sonja is not happy with Cindy, the rat. Cindy, who squealed to Kelly about Sonja’s plan to mediate a sit-down between Ramona and Kelly, has been invited to tea at Sonja’s for one-on-one counseling. Cindy lies, blatantly, to Sonja about squealing to Kelly. Amongst other things, Sonja explains the hierarchy of the group. Cindy is advised of the correct pecking order. Aside from being a rat, Cindy has no respect for Ramona, il Capo di Tutti Capi, according to Sonja. When Ramona arrives at your house, you’d better have a Pinot Grigio ready, you understand? It’s not personal, it’s just business. Cindy has become a problem – a liability – to Sonja, but Sonja is clear: if you want your button honey, you’d better show respect for the Skipper, you got it? I don’t think Cindy really got it.

Moving on, LuAnn stops by Ramona’s jewelry party and re-shanks her. A couple of times. “Ramona’s jewelry is very nice,” LuAnn says. “It’s just not for me.” We’d have to agree with you, LuAnn. Ramona makes ladylike, feminine pieces, not giant, hammered steel butterflies big enough to hide your Adam’s Apple. We still haven’t determined, completely, if LuAnn is an actual gal or a dude. She corrects Ramona’s pronunciation of “Veneto” (based upon the extensive Italian language education she received growing up in the trailer park) saying Ramona sounds like she’s from Lawn Guyland.

Meanwhile, Satan (Jill) and her minions (Kelly and Cindy) plus devil-dog Ginger meet up in Central Park. They have a good laugh about Sonja’s pecking order assertions, Jill says some bad stuff about Sonja and Ramona (she’s back to her former self already), and finally, it all makes sense. Cindy is tight with Kelly these days and is quite the player. This explains her sudden, inexplicable dislike of Ramona. We knew the cigar wasn’t just a cigar.

In some other part of the Park, Sonja is dressed as a hooker throwing baseballs at naked firemen. The scene is too disturbing to discuss (more disturbing than watching Sonja try to cook a meal in a toaster oven that looks like it came from the Salvation Army) (bankruptcy is an ugly taskmaster) so we jump ahead to our fourth sit-down: Ramona and Cindy having dinner at The Four Seasons. It’s clear Cindy is itching for any reason to dislike Ramona. The only thing she can come up with is the unfortunate Pinot Grigio incident at her “low-rent” (re: LuAnn) Quogue party. Ramona holds it together and makes authoritative eye contact while Cindy looks down, plays with her blackberry, and otherwise averts herself. A fisticuff of wills from which Ramona exits, victorious and perfectly intact. Il Capo di Tutti Capi!

Our fifth and final (THANK YOU GOD) sit-down involves Jill (bearing gifts from the Bed, Bath, and Beyond she lives above) and Alex trying to bury the hatchet. The segment is boring. They talk, they eat, they burn little pieces of paper inscribed with their grievances. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Please God, let this be the last season.

Photos courtesy of Bravo.