More Voices Are Needed to Discuss Domestic Violence
It Ends with Us, The New York Times’ bestselling book by Colleen Hoover, went on to become an even bigger movie, exceeding expectations in its August release, taking in over $80 million globally. The romantic drama focuses on the love affair and eventual marriage of a young couple who must navigate the sudden emergence of domestic abuse (DV). A typical kitchen accident is the cause of the explosive smack by one against the other, leaving the victim confused by this dark side of her new husband.
Fearless director, Kellyann Kostyal-Larrier speaks at an Orange County, New York DV event. Courtesy of Fearless.
Kellyann Kostyal-Larrier, Executive Director of Fearless, the Domestic Violence organization that serves Orange and Sullivan Counties in upstate New York, was asked for her thoughts on the popular movie. “I liked it,” she says, “for how it showed the issue from the victim’s viewpoint, and how complicated it becomes in the relationship, also in how it shows the gaslighting the victim is subjected to.” She’s quick to add, however, some scenes of the movie were off the mark. For instance, she says, “it gave the idea that victims can easily extract themselves from the relationship. Also, it’s rare that the family of the abuser will support and believe the victim. It’s difficult enough for the victim to be believed by their own circle of friends and family.”
To recognize Domestic Violence month, WAT spoke to Kostyal-Larrier, and to Marie Colee, a Florida DV victim and survivor who bravely shares her story with community organizations, and at fundraising events and school assemblies. It’s a very inspiring story, one that doesn’t always take place, but considering the number of DV abuse statistics like intimate partner violence alone affects more than 12 million people every year it’s a conversation that needs to happen more.
It’s important, Kostyal-Larrier says, to understand that DV is an umbrella term for a host of abuses that can go on in a relationship. “Becoming physically violent in the relationship is not as common as the invisible chains like emotional abuse, financial, technical, sexual violence, and keeping one almost a prisoner,” she says. While Fearless offers shelter for victims who make the decision to extract themselves from the home, Kostyal-Larrier says it’s just one aspect of their mission. Among the services offered are crises counseling, accompanying victims to court, an emergency food pantry, legal assistance, and healthcare.
At the top of the list, however, is education, especially those in the legal system, lawyers and judges who work with the victims. “The issue for the victim can worsen after a physical and violent act because that’s when law enforcement and the courts get involved. I wish the judges and attorneys who work with DV victims were more educated on the issue,” she says. “Having left the relationship does not mean the struggle is over.” If children are involved, co-parenting can be extremely difficult. “Just because there was domestic violence in the home, the courts may still agree to allow the abuser unsupervised visitations with the children,” she says. When she hears a victim say, “I should have stayed,” Kostyal-Larrier knows the work is far from over.
Marie Colee (Photo Credit: Saleena Randolph)
Marie Colee is a DV survivor and speaks out about her experience in her northeast Florida community. For one thing, she says, dedicating one month to the issue isn’t enough.
“No, it’s not enough,” she says, “I am aware it’s a subject many feel uncomfortable to hear or speak about. Many think it doesn’t happen in their community. But speaking from experience, I can attest that it happens EVERY day – DV has no boundaries – the monster does not care about anyone’s social, economic, sexual orientation or ethnic background; it can happen to anyone. It happened to ME.”
As an advocate for the Betty Griffin Center in St. Augustine, Florida, Colee is an important voice for the work performed by the Center, and other DV organizations around the country. She doesn’t hold back about what she endured over the course of over two decades with her abuser.
“I met him when celebrating my 18th birthday. I was young, naïve and thought I was in love. My father was still active in the Military at the time and when he was reassigned, I chose to stay. My abuser and I moved in together quickly. In the very beginning there was nothing I considered to be ‘abuse’ although looking back now I know it was – slaps to the face, making degrading remarks to me, etc. This quickly escalated through the years. In the beginning I would suffer black eyes, split lips, bruising, and which no one seemed to be concerned. After using the usual excuses – ‘I fell,’ or ‘I hit the door frame,’ he learned how to inflict the violence so that I suffered but no one else could see.”
She speaks about the lost friends, job opportunities, contact with her family because of his controlling nature — he stalked her when she went food shopping.
“I also turned to illegal drugs (specifically cocaine) to numb myself. I also attempted suicide – probably the thing I regret the most is that my son, a 3rd grader at the time, caught me and I was placed in a psych ward for three days. He did not forgive me for a very long time, stating he hated me for trying to leave him with his father.
“Finally, a colleague of mine, who had been in the same type of situation, helped me leave while my abuser was out of town. My advice to anyone would be first and foremost know THEY ARE NOT ALONE; I would encourage them to reach out to their local shelter – when it is safe for them to do so.”
Colee has been involved in many Betty Griffin Center events like candlelight vigils, luncheons, dinners, etc. And when asked about sharing her story over and over, she says “It helps me heal, and if I can reach one person that may seek help – it is all worth it. I will speak every time I’m asked. If not me, who?”
Top Photo: The Clothesline Project is a visual display of T-shirts created by survivors of intimate partner violence or by the friends or family members of victims to share their stories. Courtesy of Fearless
Upcoming events in NY and Northeast Florida
New York Event: Fearless is hosting a We Can Be Heroes 5K Run/Walk & Kids Fun Run on October 27, 2024.
St. Augustine, Florida: The Betty Griffin Center is hosting their 2nd Annual Pickleball for Peace Fundraiser October 25-26.
What you can do:
Consider donating to the local DV center in your community. Monetary donations are welcome as well as items for their emergency food pantries.
The national DV helpline is (800) 799-7233 or text BEGIN to 88788.
