Octo Observations: Life’s Losses and Gains
Last week I received a brief email from a childhood friend and school mate with whom I reconnected a few years ago. This lovely lady is a retired Lutheran minister, the widow of her beloved high school sweetheart, mother of three adult children, one of whom died years ago of muscular dystrophy. No matter her own losses, she is and has been an example of amazing strength and courage. Her message informed me that her doctors have advised her to increase her Hospice help, as her stage four cancer is “deteriorating rapidly.” “Thank you for your love and support, Joy. If you don’t hear much from me from now on, you will understand.” Courage, acceptance and readiness to face the inevitable…I feel awed and inspired to be included in this wonderful lady’s sphere of friends.
What do we learn from a story such as this? There is much to glean, much to contemplate, and much to treasure. Perhaps for me as an Octogenarian the most important thing is that we can never take our well-being for granted. We cannot let the little things in life throw us for a loop. We can’t “sweat the small stuff.” We cannot reduce ourselves to negativity. We must wake up each day and count our blessings, hug our loved ones either physically or mentally.
Shortly before my husband retired I was trained as a Hospice volunteer. One of my all-time favorite patients was a gentleman whose joie de vivre made me smile each time I visited him. Although mostly bedridden, he was a vibrant conversationalist, and he possessed myriad interests. His “well-being” lasted for several weeks. His wife was dear, and she and I became comfortable enough together that she would leave the house to do errands whenever I came. “Bill” and I grew closer with each visit, and he shared many of his thoughts with me. As he grew weaker, he announced one day that he loved Disney movies. “I have seen all of the classic Disney movies except Pinocchio.” I realized that was my signal to find a DVD copy. The next time I went, I took one with me, and even as sick as he was, he said, “Let’s watch it together.” We did, and I will never forget the happiness in his eyes as he absorbed every frame of that dear story. He hugged it with his heart, and he said later that he “felt ready to let go.” Such a lesson in acceptance and love….
Technology is considerably different now, compared to when Bill was alive. He would be enchanted by this age of instant communication. I wriggle in disbelief at people my age who say, “Oh, I don’t do email or texts. I can’t be bothered to learn.” If it weren’t for email and texts, there would never be enough hours in the day to keep track of our far-flung family or friends like dear Sally who lives so far away. I love to use e-cards…to send an encouraging greeting, a birthday message, or a “thinking of you” thought to someone with whom I want to stay connected. It takes a mere jiffy…far faster than sitting down with a pen and paper or running to the store to buy a greeting card. To lift someone else’s spirits, to acknowledge a grandchild’s achievement, to let a sick friend know in an instant that I am thinking about her or him; well, those are the blessings of electronic communication.
And the positives of social media, while often questioned, do reveal that we can reconnect with long ago friends, we can see pictures of those whom we cannot see in person, we can learn a little about their lives. We can stay connected and let them know we care.
My husband and I have lived in our beautiful retirement community for nearly 18 months. It is a lovely, lovely facility…most residents are friendly, and the staff exudes positivity, helpfulness, and good cheer. We are so lucky to have moved here when we did…less work for me, no stairs for my hubby with his deteriorating spinal condition, and far less “stuff” to clutter our lives. We are happy and content with our new life. Yet we find that the longer we live here, the more we realize that some folks are happiest when they are complaining. That turns me off like a light switch!
As we age, losses increase and are inevitable. In the last year, I have written too many notes of sympathy…..to wives, now widows, of long time treasured friends. It seems that it is only in the last few years that these losses have become more frequent. We live so many decades of our lives, in our naïve bubble, believing that only old people die. To accept the reality of becoming a Senior Citizen sometimes takes a long time to settle into our brains! Not until the flu struck me this week and my older sister reminded me that I am in the NINTH decade of my life, did I ever admit that, “Yes, you may really be an old lady, Joy!!!” But, of course, NOT in my own eyes!
In the past several weeks, fellow neighbors have felt the fury of Hurricanes Florence and Michael. Beautiful Carolina beach areas, Florida panhandle region of Mexico City and a USAF Base were slammed with vengeance. Mandatory evacuations affected hundreds of residents. Power outages, homes totally destroyed posed devastation for residents and first responders. Can we even imagine what it feels like to return to our homes only to find everything destroyed, all the pictures of family, events dear to our hearts, heirlooms, treasures…GONE forever? Mother Nature is in charge and she unleashed her fury. Part of me wonders if these storms are a wake-up call to us. Are we being reminded that as much as we think we have all the answers, we are instead humbled by forces far beyond our control? Are we being sent a message that we expect too much, that we take too much for granted, that we are spoiled and we must rethink the priorities in our lives? I don’t know, but as long as I can, I hope to put life’s blessings first.
The journey of life is, as we all know, one long learning experience. The older we grow, the more we think we do indeed have all the answers. But hardly. There is always time to learn, time to grow, and time to be better both as people and as loving members of our rich American society. When we lose those whom we love, we remember that we are all mortal. We know that we are not here forever, and we realize yet again that we must make the time on earth we are granted as meaningful as possible….right to the end.
Thus, think not of yourself first. Instead, reach out and away from yourself, and try to make someone else’s day a bit brighter. Simple recipe for happiness. My childhood friend battling terminal cancer is a prime example. In spite of her own imminent demise, she continues to think of others. She is truly a loving lady of magnificent faith whose own life grows more special to her because she constantly touches other people’s lives.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, author of On Death and Dying and several other meaty books wrote these words:
“It is not the end of the physical body that should worry us. Rather our concern must be to live while we’re alive—to release our inner selves from the spiritual death that comes with living behind a façade designed to conform to external definitions of who and what we are.”
Count your blessings every day and never forget to help spread the joy of being alive.
Joy Nevin is the author of Joy of Retirement – Live, Love, and Learn. Click to buy on Amazon.
Top photo: Bigstock
