Women’s History Month – Celebrating Female Friendships
I just got back from Florida. A winter getaway from the New York weather, a break that was sorely needed. However, I also had made plans to meet up with a “mommy friend.” This is the term I use when speaking about a mom I met through my daughters. In this case, we met at a “Mommy and Me” class almost 28 years ago when our girls were still in diapers. My daughter was my first, and for Phyllis, her daughter was her second; she already had a son in nursery school and was an experienced parent. More experienced than me, for sure.
At the class, we sat on the floor and sang with the kids about “monkeys on the bed” or pretended to drive as we sang endless choruses of Wheels on the Bus. We cleaned up the tables after the little ones fingerpainted, or created snakes out of playdoh, and then we set out the juice and cookies at snack time. Lastly, when the kids had “free play” to practice socializing, the moms, including Phyllis and myself, would take the time to socialize at the tiny kids’ table and sit on the tiny kids’ chair, discussing anything and everything. As a new mom, I had just stepped off the corporate 9 to 5/Manhattan treadmill feeling very uncomfortable in this new territory. My mom was about an hour away, and came as often as she could, but I looked to Phyllis, and other experienced moms I met, for guidance, information and sometimes just an acknowledgement that not always wanting to play Chutes and Ladders for the umpteenth time was okay.
MJ flies a kite in St. Augustine (Photo by Phyllis Morley)
Over these 28 years, Phyllis and I kept in touch despite moves out of state, and were always there for each other, if not physically, but always emotionally to mourn a death in the family and celebrate the hiccups and successes of our children. In raising two daughters, and being active in PTA, Girl Scouts, and Religious Education classes, I’ve met countless parents, but only a handful have made it to this point in my life. Why is that? Why is it that when I stepped off the in search of a respite from New York’s endless cold and snowy forecasts, did Phyllis and I pick right up where we left off, like no time had passed. I mean, our kids are long gone, and are not the focal point of our conversations any longer. Now, we discuss our lives, the news, our increasing age, or whether to cover the grey; we curse a lot more because little ears aren’t in earshot anymore – which makes us crack up.
Over the week in Florida, she and I met up a few times, for dinner, for a late breakfast, to walk the beach, and fly a kite (yes! really), and to watch her grandson’s game, with her grown daughter, now a mommy herself. We could’ve easily been back in Long Island, 28 years ago, sitting in folding chairs, watching our own kids play, while we gab. Except for the stiffness in our hips and knees after sitting for so long, it felt like no years had passed.
According to Bonnie Marcus, M. Ed, CEC, “spending time with girlfriends, virtually or in person, is essential for us to maintain our emotional equilibrium and sanity, especially as we age and most definitely when dealing with stress.” As an executive coach, author and speaker, Marcus was able to provide more insight about the female friendship and why some can last for decades:
Bonnie Marcus (Photo Credit: Madphoto)
WAT: Why do some female friendships last for decades with no change in the relationship even after years, or miles in between.
BM: Women have the ability to create strong bonds with other women. With their closest friends, they feel safe to share their most intimate feelings and experiences. And after years, these strong friendships pass the test of time. Friendships between men are mostly about their shared experiences. Women forge friendships that go deeper. Yes, they share experiences but are also much more willing to be vulnerable in their friendships.
WAT: How come we can just pick up from where we left off?
BM: I am still in touch with eight of my college friends (we went to an all-woman’s college) even though it’s been decades since we graduated. Through the years, we have shared our life experiences, marriage, divorce, children and now grandchildren. We also have many common values. We don’t always agree but have great respect for one another. I feel safe and know that I can share all my experiences; the good, bad and ugly and there will be love and support without judgment. We also make it our intention to stay in touch and regularly get together physically, although we no longer live close to one another. During the pandemic lockdown, we had zoom happy hours to catch up and on a regular basis, we text and share photos and updates.
WAT: Is it chemistry? Shared experiences? Shared philosophies about life?
BM: I think the glue is our shared experiences, for sure. But the key ingredient to these lasting friendships is the respect and affection we have for one another. This allows us to continue to show up and provide support for one another.
Bonnie Marcus M.Ed, CEC is the author of two books, Not Done Yet: How women over 50 regain their confidence and claim workplace power, and The Politics of Promotion: How high achieving women get ahead and stay ahead. bonniemarcusleadership.com
Top photo: Phyllis, and MJ, separated by the mascot of Buc-ees, Florida’s supercenter for gas, food and souvenirs. – photo by John Morley
MJ Hanley-Goff will be back in Florida next winter.
