Recently, I have been meeting a lot of women who are taking that step, you know the step, they are leaping out of their comfort zone and changing their relationship status from married to separated, and ultimately to divorced.
I was wondering why the universe has been presenting these people in my path, and then it dawned on me that perhaps the reason is that I have been divorced twice. Maybe because I know the amount of courage it takes to make the decision, get through some tough moments and stick with it.
Yes! Stick with it – that is not easy. Often women will call me and say “OMG” this is harder than I thought it would be. Yes, it’s hard. That is why I advise people to really understand their reasons why. When someone decides to make a big step, and break-up a relationship or marriage, it is not an easy one and should always be well thought-out and not taken lightly.
My thinking is that if someone clearly understands their reasons why, then they can make it through the tough moments, especially the ones that come on when you least expect them to show up.
No matter who wants the breakup – it still hurts and there will still be moments. No one likes to hurt someone else. It is never easy to end a relationship. There will be moments of sadness when you least expect it. No matter what, if you are breaking up with someone for the first time or you are in your 50’s and ending a marriage, there will always be a mix of emotions including sadness, disappointment and pain. There is no avoiding it. And, when you mix all those emotions up with fear and whatever else – you will get what I refer to as “moments.”
A moment can be when you hear a song that was “your” song, or when you romanticize what you thought you had about this special time or that special time, you find a note from a birthday or anniversary, or maybe it’s as simple as when you first wake up in the morning, you wake up and there it is, that feeling in your gut. For me, it’s a deep empty feeling. It’s loss staring you in the face, and all you want to do is make it go away.
There is really no getting around those moments. We must face them and work through them. Cry as much as you want. Pray! Prayer always works for me. I know God has my back. I remind myself of that in my daily prayers. I have been on my knees, crying and asking God to show me, teach me, and he does. He always does. I hope you believe in God, the Universe, Buddha, whatever it is, I hope that you believe there is a power greater than us that will truly support you.
Prepare for the Moments
Sometimes the moments are so strong you may question your decision. Remember your reasons why and try to anticipate some times when you may experience the moments worse than others. For example, if you know that every Saturday night you were with your ex., especially in the beginning, try to make plans for Saturday night with a friend or family member – you do not have to go it alone. I remember during my first divorce, I would make a Saturday night plan for myself.
We all know that there will be times of sadness, so ask yourself how you deal with sadness. Some people like to throw themselves into a new hobby or project. This is where knowing yourself is really helpful. Think back to a time or two that you were really sad. What helped you get through it? No one likes to fail and when something like a relationship does not work on some level, there will always be disappointment when we feel like we failed. It’s not a test, it’s not pass or fail, it’s called life and we evolve and change.
There are a million and one reasons relationships do not work – you only need one really good reason – your own reason, and that’s it. This is another reason why I encourage people to keep a journal – you can always read your journal and reread your journal, and it can serve as a reminder about all the things you tried to do to make the relationship work.
Prepare Your Team
It always helps me when I share with my core group of friends and close family members and let them know I will need them. It’s like a heads up! It is a sign of strength to call someone and say, “I will need your love and support more than ever during this time.” I refer to my close friends as My Girls or My Team. I have some really wonderful friends who are my soul sisters and never let me down. Call your friends and family. Let people know you are making a choice, it’s going to take time and you need them now more than ever. Use your team to hold you up when you need an extra boost or maybe even a push.
And the good news…
From all of this change comes exciting growth. You cannot even imagine how much growth you will experience. One day you will look back and say, wow, I made it.
I encourage you to embrace the changes coming your way. As human beings we change constantly, accept it, and know that you will find happiness and peace again.
There will be some wonderful relationships throughout your life that may end, and then you will find love again! I promise you, you will. In the meantime, relax, breathe, take some time to get to know who you are again and remember this, and please never forget this – the greatest relationship you can ever have is the one with yourself!
Love and kindness to you! You got this, my friend.
Lisa Bien is the author of Divorce Happens: Bounce Back! A motivational speaker and coach, Lisa writes the Morning Motivation column for Woman Around Town. For more information on Lisa, go to her website.
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