Octo Observations: Pampering versus Spoiling
Pampering and Spoiling have two different meanings. Why? Let’s talk about it….
When most parents raise children, they try not to spoil them. That is good, for that is how it should be. Little ones need to learn boundaries, they need to be loved like mad but taught many lessons. The Golden Rule is one. Picking up toys, having small chores, following directions, learning good manners: those are all essentials of a healthy childhood. We parents do our best to prepare our offspring for the future: to grow up in a world with competing values, but where many basic truths are irrefutable.
As a mom of four youngsters in the sixties, seventies and eighties, my career was homemaking. My husband “brought home the bacon,” I cooked it, kept house and raised our precious chickies the best way I could. Being a type A personality, my husband was often at work or traveling for business. We both accepted our roles. We moved as he was promoted, we adjusted, and we managed to keep our marriage safe from seismic jolts along the way.
Money was often tight. Especially when we owned three houses at once. In those days, when a company moved a family, minimal financial help was offered. Employees either moved or passed up promotions and were forgotten. For us, that was not an option. With four mouths to feed, braces to provide and school or college tuitions to pay, we did as we were told. We struggled, we survived, and we grew. And I believe we all became more tolerant, more understanding and more flexible…..or at least more so than if we had stayed put in one place. Our daughters, being the two first born, attended several different schools, including three each during junior and senior high. They did not have a choice, and they moved hither and yon, with acceptance and little pushback.
My husband believed that if one of the children wanted something extra, such as a stereo, ten speed bike or even a car, they were welcome to have it, provided they earned the money to pay for it. John was adamant. I will never forget our younger son’s spending all fifty cents of his weekly allowance on bubble gum, taking it to school and selling each piece for a quarter! He was in fifth grade, but a natural born entrepreneur. Later, he took an after-school job mowing lawns at the local public golf course. As he mowed he kept a keen eye out for lost balls, polished them up and sold them to golfers in need. At age sixteen, he researched and bought his first car through a want-ad. The veritable “hunk of junk” was a broken-down jeep, for which he paid $600 cash. When he showed it to me, I gulped, and said, “How are you going to fix the flooring so that the fumes don’t asphyxiate you?” Resourceful and smart, he did the job, car passed inspection. Can still remember his smile as he proudly presented it to his father for approval.
Each one of our four found his/her way to generate income. Whether it was babysitting; sewing specialty sister-dresses for a doctor’s three little girls or spending summers as a mother’s helper; building fences for a local fence company; working after school in a floral shop; serving as Sunday morning janitors at our church, they each earned dollars, which were theirs to spend or save as desired. In addition to earning cash for fun purchases, each child was expected to earn college spending money. (We paid tuition, room and board.) To this day, these early lessons helped to shape the responsible, solid citizens each one is. Of course, in retrospect, John and I made our share of mistakes. However, no one was spoiled, and each one learned to manage money. Am I proud? Sure, I am, but to tell the truth, their father deserves the credit. He always said, “If a youngster wants something bad enough he/she will appreciate it more by earning the money.” As one of our daughters recently said, “You and daddy didn’t raise lazy kids!”
Now, all these years later, as I look at our four adult children, well along into their middle years, one of my biggest pleasures is to find meaningful ways to “pamper” each one of them. Living in far flung areas of the country, our one-on-one time is rare and precious. What fun it is to take the girls to our favorite Richmond dress boutique, and say, “Pick what you like.” (Within reason!) Both daughters and daughters-in-law are reluctant at first, but a wee nudge gets the ball rolling. When we leave, the smile on my face cannot be equaled. Our boys eschew shopping excursions, but they loved their memorable golf outings to Scotland with dad.
Each summer, since 1999, we schedule a week at our mountain resort time share. Whoever or however many come, they are “Pampered by Pop Pop.” This is our pleasure, this is our thanks to our chicks (and their families) for turning into such delicious human beings….and for giving back to us in spades the love that we tried to instill in them.
In today’s world, where it is not uncommon for some youngsters to be sheltered, given unadulterated praise, showered with whatever “toys” they want…where some parents believe in making life as easy as possible for their children, we Octo parents wonder how that approach will work in the long run. So far, the jury is still out.
Lucky for us, and so many in my generation, our youngsters seemed to have learned their lessons well. They are still unspoiled. Some are faced with unwanted life altering hurdles and challenges. Yet, they know that only they are in charge of their decisions, their finances and their beliefs.
We “old guys” count our blessings dearly, and celebrate the rare chance to PAMPER NOT SPOIL to our heart’s content! After all, isn’t that what counts most in life? To do fun things while we are on this earth, and to see resulting enjoyment. If we sow the seeds of character carefully and lovingly, they will sprout and bear fruit. THEN, it makes marvelous sense to PAMPER those you love!
Joy Nevin is the author of Joy of Retirement – Live, Love, and Learn. Click to buy on Amazon.
Top illustration: Bigstock
