How to Lose Your Mother: A Daughter’s Memoir by Molly Jong-Fast
Fame! I want to live forever – People will see me and cry…Baby, remember my…
Erica Jong became a feminist icon after her first novel, Fear of Flying, was published in 1973. The bestseller followed the sexual adventures of Isadora Wing and coined the term “zipless fuck” to describe encounters of casual sex. The book was a perfect storm, hitting the market as many young women like Isadora were trying to figure out their lives after a wave of feminist literature encouraged them to leave behind conventional mores and chart a new path forward.
Jong became the media darling, appearing on magazine covers and TV talk shows. Young, beautiful, and brilliant, she was the perfect spokesperson for this new era of feminism. In 1977, she wrote a followup to Fear of Flying, How to Save Your Own Life, which continued Isadora’s adventures and kept Erica traveling. When her daughter Molly was born in 1978, a routine was established where the baby, then the young child, and then the teenager, would be left behind with nannies and caregivers.
Molly Jong-Fast (Photo Credit: Marilyn Minter)
For Molly, it was a lonely and sad childhood which she has documented in her new book, How to Lose Your Mother: A Daughter’s Memoir. Jong-Fast, a contributing writer for Vanity Fair and a political analyst for MSNBC, chronicles what it was like growing up as an only child with an alcoholic parent chasing fame, and later as the adult daughter who must care for a mother with dementia and her stepfather, Ken, with Parkinson’s. What was certainly a year from hell also involved caring for her husband, Matthew, after he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.
Erica enjoyed being in the spotlight and, like the song says, wanted to bask in that glow forever. Fame, however, is fleeting. Stars who were once celebrated can burn out, succeeding generations not recognizing their names and accomplishments. Younger people may recognize the actor/producer Michael Douglas, but not his father, Kirk, who during the Golden Age of Hollywood, starred in the 1960 film Spartacus, based on the 1951 novel by Molly’s grandfather, Howard Fast. Like Erica, Howard never repeated the success of Spartacus and spent most of his life also chasing fame.
Viewers who have appreciated Molly’s insightful political analysis, whether in print or on the air, will have even more admiration for her courage and professionalism after reading this memoir. She often had to dash from the MSNBC studio to her mother’s apartment or to a doctor’s appointment with Matthew. With both Erica and Ken failing physically and mentally, she made the difficult decision to move them into an assisted living facility. Neither adult was happy with this change, although neither understood the move was permanent. Ken, also experiencing dementia, kept asking when he would be able to go home to get something he needed. Molly had to placate him without revealing the truth. Added to Molly’s to-do list was clearing out her parents’ apartment and getting ready to put it on the market. To say that her plate was full is an understatement.
It’s never easy caring for an aging parent with dementia or Alzheimer’s. Molly’s task was made even harder because of the complicated relationship she had with her mother. Throughout her life Molly heard her mother express her love. On the road to fulfill another speaking engagement, Erica would call and tell Molly she missed her. Many of these trips, however, were non-events, Erica speaking to small groups, unlike what she used to attract during the height of her fame. Staying home with Molly was never Erica’s priority. And when she was home, Erica never spent that much time with her daughter.
When Molly was two, Erica did an interview with the Washington Post. The writer described Molly as a “stout” toddler. Erica confessed that when she was in her 20s and 30s, she didn’t think she wanted children. “But by the time I was 34 or 35, I realized that if I didn’t have a baby soon, it was going to be a matter of picking up every stray dog in Connecticut.” Molly writes: “I always wondered if they would have been better off with a dog.”
Like her mother, Molly is an alcoholic. But when she turned 19, after one last drunken binge, Molly knew she needed to go to rehab. Erica went with her on the plane to Minneapolis and told Molly she was going to get sober, too. Molly has stayed sober; Erica has not. Molly recounts many outings with her mother, formal ones where she was asked to speak, and informal ones where she spoke anyway. Often the result was outrageous and embarrassing for Molly.
Alcoholics are expert at making other people assume the guilt and blame for their actions. Molly knows she had a terrible childhood because of her mother, but she continues to ask whether she’s the problem, whether she’s been a bad daughter. She asks the question so many times in so many ways, that many readers may want to shake her and shout out, “it’s not your fault!” That’s what makes this memoir so poignant and powerful and why it may empower others to let go of their own shame and move on. Molly Jong-Fast has written a brave memoir that will resonate with many, even if they don’t remember Erica, the once famous writer.
How to Lose Your Mother: A Daughter’s Memoir
Molly Jong-Fast
Top photo: Bigstock
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