By Christopher Kilmartin, Ph. D.
Gendered Myths: Fact vs. Fiction
The following was written by Christopher Kilmartin, PhD, Professor Emeritus, author, stand-up comedian, actor, playwright, consultant and professional psychologist. His major scholarly work is The Masculine Self (5th edition Sloan, 2015, now co-authored by Andrew Smiler). He has also co-authored Men’s Violence Against Women: Theory, Research, and Activism, Overcoming Masculine Depression: The Pain behind the Mask: and Sexual Assault in Context: Teaching College Men about Gender, a manual based on his consultation experiences.
This is the fifth in a series of essays in which I explore the myths about women and men that are sold to us by various cultural forces. Many widely accepted ideas about the nature and character of men and women turn out to be untrue once cast under the spotlight of careful research.
Gendered Fiction: The Myth of Harry met Sally
(Yes, I know it’s an old movie, but it’s such a great illustration I have to use it.) In the movie When Harry met Sally, the main characters (Billy Crystal as Harry; Meg Ryan as Sally) meet and decide to share a ride with each other to New York City after graduating from the University of Chicago. During the course of the trip, an argument ensues and forms the main plot of the movie. Sally believes that men and women can be friends; Harry disagrees. Why? Harry asserts that all men are interested in with women is sex, or that even if both people want to be friends, sex still “gets in the way.” Years later they meet by chance again and are both in relationships with others, and yet Harry goes so far as to argue that friendship is even impossible under those circumstances.
Who is right: Harry or Sally? I challenge you to engage in a little experiment. Think about your five to ten best friends in the world. If you consider your spouse or an ex-partner one of them, remove them from the list so you have a list of people, as I joke with audiences, with whom you have never shared any bodily fluids. Is there anybody of the other sex on the list? (Note that I did not use the term “opposite sex” because men and women are not opposites, as I discussed earlier in this series).
I’m guessing that you have at least one other-sex person on the list. Even if you do not, ask people you know to engage in the same exercise, and I am betting that you will find people with cross-sex friendships much more often than not. More formal research includes the findings that most people have at least one cross-sex platonic friend. Moreover, cross-sex friendships are on the increase. The younger the person, the more likely they are to have one of these relationships. And we should not be surprised at this finding, as men and women are increasingly finding themselves doing many of the same things in work, home, and leisure. We have more in common than ever, and we can solve a lot of problems by having men and women see themselves as being on the same team.
When Harry met Sally is a terrifically entertaining film (Who can forget that diner scene?) but the thing that annoys me about it is that even though Sally was right, Harry appears to win the argument because they become lovers, as happens in every romantic comedy.
Researchers know that violent media can have negative effects on people, but I also think that romantic comedies are dangerous as well, as they influence people to accept myths and form social scripts for relationships that are not particularly healthy.
How does every romantic comedy begin? Boy meets girl. Boy hates girl. Girl hates boy. And then they fall in love. Ask yourself how many people you know who can say that they started relationships that way. So why is this plot so common in the romantic comedy? Because if you are going to tell a story, you need to have some tension, otherwise it’s not interesting. The interpersonal conflict provides that tension; falling in love resolves it. If you see a movie that starts out with boy meets girl and they hit it off right away and fall in love, what is going to happen? Someone is going to die or get very ill. Tension is essential to a plot.
Sorry if I destroyed the rom-com for you. It’s my job.
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